Dara Stoker, last night

Incumbant fan-on-the-board, Dara Stoker, launched his re-election drive by promising the fans a return to the Meadowbank Thistle glory days.  This ambitious scheme would see half the club wrenched from the British Motor Corporation Stadium and relocated back east to take up residence once more at Edinburgh’s former Commonwealth Stadium.

Divorce

An enthusiastic Stoker (40) was only too keen to discuss his plans last night.  “It’s simple, ken” he said,  “there’s two of us up for it, so with my plan we can both get on the board.  Meadowbank will be gain its independence from Livi: two clubs, two boards.  Barrie!”

“Besides, I’ve got all this Meadowbank stuff cluttering-up the house, and the wife is at me to use it or lose it.”

Paul Don campaigning, yesterday

Separatist Vermin

However Stoker’s rival for the vacant boardroom seat, Paul Don, was scathing of the plan he regards as separation rather than independence.

“I have no time for these separatists” he stormed.  “We’re stronger as a united club.  Team GB, that’s Gary Bollan incidentally, all the way!”

Devolution

“If I win the election though, I am prepared to extend an olive branch to the separatists and offer a concession of some devolved powers” he continued.  “Kit washing, upkeep of the players’ boots and filling in the teamsheets can all be devolved to Meadowbank, but the rest – such as cutting the grass and team selection – will remain reserved issues for Livingston.”

Doom

But as the gloves come off in the LTID power struggle, constitutional experts were quick to highlight potential flaws in both plans.

Hell, last night

Gloom

Ross McWhirter QC of the West Highland Free Press last night sounded a note of caution to both camps.  “If either club, when they separate as they surely will, decides to play on a Sunday then the fires of Hell will rain down upon them as the seven gates of Hades open to set forth the Beast to devour them.  Or something.”

The campaigning continues.

Doyle, Bunnet and Bones, yesterday

The stars of ITV’s late 70′s early 80′s Sunday night drama ‘The Professionals’ have hit back at claims that top TV and pop star David Soul is Livi’s most famous fan!

Show us your medals!  

Charles Bunnet, Raymond Doyle and William Andrew Philip Bones have come out publicly and stated that they’ve had season tickets for years and not only that but Bones actually drove the team bus through to Hampden when Livi gubbed the Hibs to win the CIS C0-operative Insurance Cup back in 1994 whereas David Soul is a part timer who wouldn’t know his Gary Bollan from his Phillipe Brinquin.

Bunnet, who’s now in charge of making sure the lights are turned out at the end of the day at the British Motor Corporation Stadium, also starred in top Hollywood blockbuster ‘The Great Escape’ where he stupidly gave the game away as the Nazi’s closed in on escaped prisoners of war as they got on a bus, said “Who does David Soul think he is with his LA teeth and flash red Ford Torino and his cool Zebra 3 call sign and  Captain Dobey shouting at him all the time and that, eh?”

Short fuse

Bones was more forthcoming! “Why I’ll take the boy Soul, and his buddy Starsky, outside and gie the pair o’ thum a right guid hidin’!

Starsky lookalike Doyle tried to calm things a little when he added “I’ve always wondered just how Starsky got his perm to sit just right. Ooh he looked a dream in that cardigan of his as he climbed out that swimming pool at the start of their show, don’t you think?”

Like an early Snoop Dog

The Tabloid called the owner of down market  LA backstreet bar the ‘Pitts’, a Mr Huggy Bear asking if he’d like to comment on the nail biting tension between ‘The Professionals’ and ‘Starsky and Hutch’ as the row over who is Livi’s most famous fan escalates.

Mr Bear would only speak to us off the record to say ” I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.”

 Crazed fool

As The Tabloid went to press a call came through from a Captain Dobey but we couldn’t understand him as all he did was shout down the phone so we simply rolled our eyes and hung up on him.

Pagger! Pagger! 

So, who do you think would win a fight between The Profesionals and Starsky and Hutch?

Simply view the intro’s to both programmes (click the links below) then leave your comments underneath or send your choice to the usual address: tabloidtowers@tabloidhq.com 

The Professionals

or Starsky and Hutch

Let’s get it on! 

James Bond star Daniel Craig, yesterday

For unbeknown to the entrepeneur culinary Sith Lord, the absent-minded movie icon sent 47 tons of top quality bacon to the British Motor Corporation Stadium instead of its proper destination, the Blantyre Motor Corporation Stadium.

Faux pas

Craig (51) was this morning “shaken but not stirred” by his clerical faux pas, and put it all down to his poor ability to differentiate between history and geography under pressure.

Shagging

Simon Prowse, last night

“I’ve been sending bacon to the Livingstone Centre in Blantyre for years from my farm in Musselburgh” he told us yesterday.  “But on Wednesday I’d been pumping these three absolutely top-drawer Russian lady spies for information, and in my excitement wrote ‘Livingstone’ instead of ‘Blantyre’ on the weekly delivery slip.  The driver understandably jumped to the wrong conclusion, and that was that.”

“In all my years of growing bacon plants, this is the first time that’s happened.  So I guess Prowse can consider it a gift – ‘From Musselburgh With Love’, if you like!”

Ecstatic

Meanwhile Prowse (56) was ecstatic at his unexpected suilline windfall.

Some bacon, this morning

There is a Swansea

“Oh, now that’s just top that is, see?” he rasped through his intimidating protective helmet. “What it is you see, I are been having a problem with the local butchers, I have.  Kept giving me gammon instead of shoulder steak, he did!  But now I’ve got enough bacon to pave Swansea, I reckon I’m a ‘Force’ to be reckoned with, see?!”

Patrons at the Valealmond Suite this Saturday may find a more limited menu than normal, but Prowse is determined not to let that spoil the day.

Twins of Evil

“If I get any complaints, I’ll just do that choking thing you saw in the film.  You know, the one with Peter Cushing in it” he said.

Top Pop and TV star David Soul, yesterday

Livingston’s most famous supporter, David Soul, of such TV hits as Starsky and Hutch, Salems Lot and ‘V’, has spoken out in support of Gary Bollan!

Nice jacket 

Thirty six year old Soul, who also topped the Pop Parade in the mid to late 70′s with such hits as ‘Don’t give up on us‘ (listen) and ‘Silver Dream Machine ‘ (listen), hit back at claims that Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated.

Not Starsky, the other one

 Soul said “The claims that  Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated, are wrong.

He added “Don’t give up on us, baby, We’re still worth one more try, I know we put a last one by, Just for a rainy evening, When maybe stars are few, Don’t give up on us, I know, We can still come through

Don’t give up on us, baby
Don’t give up on us, baby”

Starsky and Hutch's Red Ford Torino, yesterday

Red Ford Torino

When it was pointed out that in fact no-one had made the claims he was alleging he grew visibly upset.

He blustered “I’ve played to packed Broadway crowds, don’t you know?!

“If these theatres didn’t exist, the tradition of British theatre would cease to exist.”

Exactly! 

Lady Gaga in concert, last night

Gaga – aka James MacPherson, a truck driver and married father of six from Dayton, Ohio – had apparently been stalking St Bobby for quite some time.

Paranoia

As his stage persona continued its unstoppable ascent into global stardom, Gaga’s increasing paranoia had viewed St Bobby as a threat, more so after his sensational appearance on a slice of toast belonging to a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary last month (see Tabloid 10 December).

Report

A spokesman for Borders & Lothian Police today refused to discuss details but confirmed that a report had been submitted, but no charges have been filed as yet.

Little Monsters

Famous for her hits such as Poker Face, Born This Way and My Old Man’s A Dustman, Gaga’s army of global are likely to be horrified at their idol’s latest zany stunt.   Dressing up as a robot, butcher’s shop and telephone kiosk have been hailed as avant-garde by her army of “little monsters” as she calls them, however kidnapping a saint is likely to tip the scales of public opinion against the transatlantic warbler.

Meatloaf

As ever though, St Bobby was playing the whole thing down when we contacted him at his home yesterday.  “My missus is into Gaga, but ah’m mairy a Metallica guy, know?” he said in a saintly sort of way.

Pastafarians

Some pirates, yesterday

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) confirmed that his members would not be seeking any retribution against Gaga for the failed plot.

Pirates

Speaking by phone from his home in Canada, Hughie McLaughlan – head of the religious sect – told us “as no pirates were involved in this failed plot, it is not a matter for Pastafarians to get embroiled in.

“However, remember that the increase in global warming is directly proportionate to the fall in the number of pirates roaming the Spanish Main.”

Investigations are ongoing.

An elderly shopper was yesterday complaining that Livi’s young players earn too much money. As ever, we have the latest rundown on all that’s happening down Almondvale High Street.

Pearse Brosnan (35), Multi Billionaire and owner of Livingston Football Club has issued players at the club with a stern ticking off, after a LIDL customer got a fright as they all raced up the road in their fast cars after training, yesterday.

Apparently, the young Livi stars, including club captain Andrew Murray, earn so much money that the latest game to sweep through the dressing room is to bet on who’s motor is the fastest and has the most coloured stickers on it.

However 85 year old Bernadette Timpson, was less than impressed when her bag of Pineapples and assorted citrus fruits dropped to the ground and burst open, spilling the contents all over the LIDL car park, as the exhausted players hared noisily past the cheap foreign shop after a sweaty half hours worth of intensive mucking around on the Field turf with team manager Richard Van Gough struggling to keep control of them.

Livi players cars in LIDL's car park, yesterday, in 2005

“Some of their fast cars were back firing and everything” she complained, as shop staff helped her locate her wayward produce.

“They whipper snappers earn far too much money, by far, it oughtn’t to be allowed” she continued as other elderly hard up shoppers’ tutted in agreement nearby.

When asked to comment on the apparently disregardful road habits of his charges Brosnan refused to shirk responsibility, “Oi’ll kick der erses, so oi will! If dey doo dat wun more time, den oi’ll have dem bak after lunsh for anudder haf our wit Ritchard Goff, an beleev u me, dey’ll not like dat”!

You show ‘em who’s boss Pearse!

Emu (L) and Hull (R) in the 70s, yesterday

Zany 70’s and 80’s TV prankster, Rod Hull, dramatically revealed last night that following the recent upturn in fortune for Livingston FC, both he and puppet sidekick Emu have now converted to full-blown Livi fans.

 
Hull (63) is known the world over for his madcap antics, physically assaulting the great and good of the showbiz world via his bedraggled under-armed antipodean puppet. However, from now on both Hull and Emu have put all that behind them as they concentrate on their new task at hand, cheering on the Lions.

 
We spoke to Hull’s manager, Danny Frottage, to find out why the comedy ‘duo’ has decided to follow Livi. “Well since ever since Rod died in 1999 falling off his roof, times have been hard” he said, “and poor Emu has been out of work, gathering dust on a shelf. So it was time to get them both back in the public eye as I still get letters from fans all over the world asking when Rod & Emu will be back.”

 
“We’ve received 5 letters a week, every week, from a young man in Livingston called David Charles begging Rod and Emu to come back, so what better way to make the lad’s dream come true than have them support his own team?”

A happy David Charles, last night

We were slightly puzzled as to how Hull would be able to regularly attend matches at Almondvale considering his house is in Kent and he’s dead, but Frottage provided an unexpected answer. “Pierce Brosnan, the club’s new owner, also writes at least one letter a week to Emu, so he was delighted to offer 2 courtesy season tickets for life. Rod’s will probably have to remain empty, but Emu will be there! We’ll just have to prop him up with a stick or something.”

 
So Livi fans will have to watch out from now on, as the next time they feel a tap on the shoulder at Almondvale, it could very well be a mischievous Emu ready to pounce. Maybe.

David Livingstone in 1870, yesterday

As the Livi players prepare for battle on the field against Dundee Utd at Almondvale today, upstairs the LionHeart board is preparing for a fight of its own – in court.

The fans’ champion Daily Tabloid can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Pierce Brosnan, Tony Kinder-Egg and Vivien Kylesofbute have all been mentioned on a writ served upon Livingston FC by a Mrs Doris Teacup of Dudley, West Midlands. In her writ, Mrs Teacup claims to be acting on behalf of the late African explorer and emancipator of slaves, Dr David Livingstone, and is suing the club for breach of copyright.

We tracked Mrs Teacup down to her modest bungalow in Dudley where we were warmly greeted by the petite, round, rosy-faced old lady. “Daily Tabloid I presume?” she told us surprisingly. “The spirits told me you were coming” she continued with a jolly giggle.

 
As we were to discover, Mrs Teacup is a psychic medium, and last month she claims to have been contacted by Dr Livingstone who has been furious since the early 1960’s when Livingston New Town was first begun. “Oh no dear” she told our reporters, “Dr Livingstone is very, very unhappy about that. He hates his name being confused with the town, especially the missing E off the end.”  She continued, “He tried to find a medium to sue the old LDC but nobody would help, so he asked me to serve the writ on Livingston FC instead, and I was happy to oblige. He’s such a lovely gentleman you see dear.”

Mrs Teacup communing with the spirits, yesterday

“Apart from the blackies though, old Enoch Powell was right there” she added without blinking. Oddly enough, there were no pictures of Dr Livingstone in her living room, although a large portrait of Adolf Hitler hung above her fireplace. “He’s a very nice man too dear, my lovely Führer” she told us as we left.

 
As far as the Tabloid is aware, this is the first time posthumous legal action has been taken by a ghost via a human medium, and our legal team say the chances of success are extremely small. Pierce Brosnan seems to agree as when we presented him with a copy of Mrs Teacup’s interview he said “Hmmm, shaken and not stirred. Does she have a grand-daughter?”

Livi supporter Peter Edinburgh is now considering taking legal action against Edinburgh City Council on behalf of his great great great great great great grandfather.

Marko Rajamaki (left) and Stuart Lovell, in 2005 yesterday

With all the media hype lately surrounding the new Livi ‘striker’ joining the cast of BBC Scotland’s weegie soap, River City, the Daily Tabloid today EXCLUSIVELY reveals that the fictional ‘Andrew Murray’ is not the only Lion starring in front of the camera.

For unbeknown to most viewers on this side of the world, several ex-Livi players have swapped their amber shirts for denim dungarees, and are now fictional inmates in the highly successful low-budget Australian soap Prisoner: Cell Block H. Set in the unrealistic Wentworth Detention Centre, the show revolves around the lives of several big butch lesbians, and their daily existence within the shaky plywood walls and bars of the fictitious women’s jail.

The show has been running for many years now, but has already made household names of ex-Lions Jason Young, Lee Bailey and Willie Callaghan. However, the Tabloid now understands that former skipper Stuart Lovell’s part-time contract with Queen of the South has enabled him to return to his homeland every week to film his new character Vera “Vinegar Tits” Bennett, a hard-nosed prison warden.

We spoke to Lovell last night in Australia where he was clearly excited by his new role. “I love this character!” he enthused. “She’s such a nasty piece of goods, and I get to beat-up the prisoners – and get paid for it! Beats being Livi captain, that’s for sure.” And Lovell is likely to be joined by his former manager Jim Leishman who is expected to become the prison’s new governor following the recent defection of Erica Davidson (aka ex-Dundee Utd goalkeeper Hamish MacAlpine) to rival soap Neighbours.

L-R: Jason Young, Lee Bailey, Willie Callaghan & Oscar Rubio, yesterday

Former Livi golden boy and poser Jason Young managed to grab a quick word with us during a break in filming of a gang rape scene. “It’s great to have someone of Stuart’s calibre in the show” he panted breathlessly. “It’s only a shame this is meant to be a women’s prison as it means we can’t play football during our recreation period. The producers think that would be unrealistic. Mind you, I was never much good at it anyway.”

Eager Livi fans can tune in to STV every night a 3:30am to watch their former favourites ‘do porridge’.

Stavros, the guy that used to be the kid on Kebab seller on ‘Saturday Night Live’ signs on as Livi’s club ‘interpretor’. Read on for more…………….

It would appear that the rather unpredictable Pearse Brosnan, has appointed 80’s comedy icon ‘Stavros the Kebab seller’ to the position of  ‘Club interpretor’, after the short term signing of Pascal Nouma has raised the profile of Livingston FC in Turkey, a small land locked country to the far north of Asia.

Livingston fans web sites have been inundated by Turkish ‘Turks’ all clambering for any information on Pascal, who famously once gave the Royal Crown Prince of Turkmenistan a ‘Moonie’ after scoring a vital goal during a vital end of season derby game between Fennerbatchie and Rabsbarsponsor. It was this very celebration that saw him arrested and placed in jail for 2 years until Jason (and his Argonauts) managed to wangle him free amidst scenes more akin to a ‘Carry On’ movie.

In Turkey you see they are not allowed to keep women as pets, and if a woman is found in the street without the correct papers then she is immediately shown a red card and ordered back to the kitchen to make supper for her hard working husband and children. So when a woman is spotted in the streets, it causes mayhem, with the traffic stopping to gawk and everything.

On the occasion of Pascals bid for freedom, the Argonauts were pretending to have a kick about outside the prison in full view of the guards. This one Argonaut falls to the ground, like he has hurt his leg or something, and before you can say ‘shake and vac’ a lovely leggy lady who has appeared from nowhere goes down on him with her magic sponge, much to the delight of the guards who are given an eyeful of her Turkish Delight.

While they were distracted, the Argonauts sneaked into Pascals cell to give him a spoon with instructions on how to dig a hole in the wall of his cell behind the poster of Miss Piggy.
After Literally months of ‘digging’ he was free, and he has been on the run ever since. He found his way to Livingston after burrowing inside the tyre of a Cessna Hawk aeroplane (or equivalent) and upon touchdown at Livingston International was whisked away to Livingstons ‘multi-pound’ Almondvale Complex by a ballaclavad Brosnan with a rather bemused Stavros in tow.

“Wot u geev eem back or ells no boo Pascal”

“Pascal beeg boy no”

“U wee teem way no fanns”

“I Plenny unions an soz mate”

When asked to translate for the Daily Tabloid just what the Turks were trying to say in their child like messages Stavros was unable to help. “I’m Greek, hello evellybody peeps” he reminded Brosnan.

Oh’oh! It seems that someone didn’t do there homework!

]]> http://dailylivitabloid.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/want-onions-mate/feed/ 0 dailylivitabloid Stavros