Marring Milky Machinations

7 Oct

Livi’s Director of Football, John Collins out of OMD, last night slammed  recent scaremongering rumours circulating around the interweb, and promised to take direct action to deal with them.

Trumping

 

Collins out of OMD (left) in the 80s, yesterday

A popular supporters online discussion forum suggested earlier in the week that the club may have changed milk suppliers despite assurances that this would never happen.  The ‘word on the street’ was that FirstMilk was set to become the club’s creamery of choice, trumping long-term supplier Virgin Milk to the lucrative 3-figure contract.

Denial

However, Collins out of OMD was quick to deny this.

“Virgin Milk have never let us down” he said last night.  “Ask any of the girls in the office: whenever a refreshing brew is required up in the boardroom there’s always a fresh bottle of Virgin Milk in the fridge.

Cottage Cheese

“Yes, there was that one time when Yogi thought the milk was off and lumpy, but it was quickly realised that he’d picked up Nicola from reception’s cottage cheese by mistake. A clear case of human error I’m sure you’ll agree.  Well, sort of bear/human hybrid, but you get the point.

 

Some milk, last night

“Anyway, I’ve grown to detest these malicious lies, so the time has come to confront them head-on. The grapevine can be a nasty, nasty thing at times, so it’s my intention to find its base and chop it down. A big axe, or maybe a saw should do the trick. Or possibly General Nixon’s cavalry sabre if he lets me borrow it.

“But make no mistake, the grapevine won’t be rumouring for much longer!”

Secret talks

But the Daily Tabloid has since learned that secret behind-the-scenes discussions HAD taken place, and a deal with FirstMilk was indeed agreed. However a subsequent enquiry by Chairman Gordon McDougall found the process to be flawed, so the deal was withdrawn.

Hibernation

 

Chairman Gordon McDougall, last week

We asked receptionist Nicola Trees for her thoughts on the matter.  “Well it was only a wee tub o’ cottage cheese, ken? An’ Yogi’s eyes don’t work all that well at his time of year.  He should be getting ready to hibernate you see” she said.

Chairman Gordon McDougall was unavailable for comment last night, as he was at Whitburn Miners Welfare telling a joke about his mother-in-law.

Or something.

Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process

14 Sep

A dressing room plan to rebuild team unity at Valealmond Stadium looks set to fail as Livi’s chief executive poo-poos the proposed Celebrity  Arm Wrestling contest. 

Jeremy Beadle’s hand, yesterday

With tensions still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with some of his associates from his local pub.

Celebrity Arm wrestling was Fox’s obvious choice, as it combines competition with an element of fun.

Beadle’s not about

However the Lions’ top brass, deceased Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, pulled the plug as soon as he discovered he had been drawn against  former “Game for a Laugh” prankster, Jeremy Beadle in the first round.

Huge hand

Beadle, who died of laughing in 2008, is famed for having one massively oversized hand, and it was this obvious advantage which made Nixon’s competitive nature see red.

 

General G.E.D.Nixon, in 1862

“Sir” he said yesterday, “I am not averse to my men enjoying themselves on campaign.  It’s good for morale and good for keeping the unit together when under heavy Yankee artillery fire.

Unnatural

“But I will not arm wrestle  with a man whose hand is like a seal’s flipper, no matter what the cause.  It ain’t natural. That thing is the size of an elephant’s ear, and look what happened to Stonewall Jackson’s arm.”

Alternative plans have since had to be drawn up, with Defender Paul Watson suggesting a form of ‘Dancing on Ice’ but with Subbuteo; and goalkeeper Andy McNeil offering to host a mass custard pie throwing gala in an unspecified venue in Edinburgh.

 

Jesus and a dinosaur, last night

Drill

 

But all these look set to fail as General Nixon seems set veto anything other than bayonet drill and cavalry manoeuvres.

Conquistadores

We asked Jesus for his thoughts on the matter“Blessed are the Pacemakers, for they shall ferry across the Mersey” he said in a Spanish accent.

Armageddon comes to Valealmond?

2 Sep

A bitter theological war of words this evening threatened to sour Livingston’s stunning 2-1 win away to Falkirk.

St Bobby and Jesus falling out, yesterday.

For insiders have revealed to your fan’s champion Sunday Tabloid that all is not well in the dressing room since the arrival of new signing Jesus to the club.

Fuming

Recently canonised midfielder, St Bobby Barr, is said to be fuming that the alleged son of God has outshone him in the halo stakes ever since his arrival at the club following his release by Bethlehem FC in Palestine.

Seethed

Sources have told how St Bobby has silently seethed as the defensive Lamb of God:

  • Raised former manager John Robertson from the dead
  • Turned the showers into fountains of wine
  • Passed Airdrie’s Cammy (MacDonald) through the eye of a needle
  • Gave out free Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers to players and staff
  • Cheated at a training session game of hide & seek by peering through the holes in his hands

Pure ragin’

We tried to speak to an enraged St Bobby this evening, but he was too enraged to comment, except for raging “Ah’m enraged at Jesus! Just cos his da’s the boss dizny mean he can dae whitever he wants! Ah’m pure ragin’!”

A Caramel Wafer, last week

We understand however that manager Yogi Bear has attempted to dampen the flames by offering all the squad a free picnic basket each.  But this is unlikely to succeed as it is understood two different camps have already formed in the dressing room: known informally as the Barrites and the Jesuites.

Angels fighting

We spoke to renowned cleric, Father Anthony Kiddifiddler, for his view on how things are likely to pan out.  “It’s very similar to that bit in the bible about the angels fighting each other, and one falling to earth where he made Glasgow” he said.

Father Kiddiefiddler, outside court yesterday

“There’s likely to be quite a rumpus, but St Bobby really is up against it as he’s merely Nouveau Divinity, whilst Jesus clearly comes from more established stock.

End of days

“In any event I predict the end of days, the rising of The Beast and a half price sale at Aldis.”

** Have any of you seen signs of the coming Armageddon?  Fire & brimstone falling from the sky: the dead rising: music from the Old Spice adverts playing?  Drop us a line and let us know.

Generous move from Livi’s new Pal-adin!

26 Aug

Livi fans were given a massive boost yesterday by the generosity of a much-loved TV personality of the 70s and 80s.

Glen Michael and Paladin in the 70s, yesterday

Much has been discussed amongst the Lions faithful as to how the club could improve attendances and increase Season Ticket sales in an effort to attract the support of so many disinterested locals.  Fans have often been at each other’s throats, as suggestions and counter suggestion became heated, but it looks like these dark days could be numbered.

Paladin

Glen Michael, star of STV’s mega-popular kids show “Cartoon Cavalcade”, had watched the plight from afar and was finally convinced by his faithful sidekick – a rusty paraffin lamp called Paladin – to do something about it.

“With all the millions I made from TV, I was never happy” he told us yesterday.  “I was loved by children, adored by the public, but my only real friends were Paladin and Rusty, my long-dead dog.

Crap cartoons

 

A think tank, last night.

“So one day I was watching another of those crap ‘Arabian Nights‘ cartoons we had on the show, when Paladin told me the arguing at Valealmond had to stop. And he was right.

“One quick call to my financial adviser later, and I had bought Livingston FC a nearly-new think tank off Ebay!”

And indeed, the move has already been well received by the fans.

Popular

“This is a very generous move by Mr Michael” said Trust representative Dara Stoker (14).  “I can see our new think tank being a very popular addition to the stadium, and look forward to seeing all the new baby thinks swimming around inside it very soon.”

Thingummyjig

Thingummyjig in the 80s, yesterday

And there may be more good news for Livingston on the horizon, as the Sunday Tabloid has learned former “Thingummyjig” host, Jack The Laird o’ Cowcaddens McLaughlin, has all but secured a brand new School of Thought, which sources close to the star say he intends to donate to the club’s Youth Programme.

More on this story when we get it.

Yogi in picnic basket theft horror

21 Aug

Livi gaffer, Yogi Bear, was last night reeling after his private collection of picnic baskets was stolen in a midnight raid at his home in Jellystone Park.

Yogi in happier times, yesterday.

Speaking to a packed press conference this morning, Bear’s normally amiable personality was completely absent as he raged at the loss of the collection he had spent several years amassing.

Canny believe it

“I canny believe it” he said.  “Me and Boo Boo (Bear’s assistant, John Collins out of OMD) spent pure yonks sniffin’ oot quality pick-a-nick baskets from all the tourists that come to the park.

“We aye skipped the ones from Aldi and Lidl as they were all German crap, and concentrated on the top notch ones from Harrods, Jenners and the Co-op that used to be in the Craigshill Mall.  There were 27 of them at the last count, all empty mind.

“I’m reduced to carrier bags now” he sobbed.

Collins out of OMD

Collins out of OMD, last night

Police were initially keen to talk to Collins out of OMD, star of hits such as ‘Enola Gay’ and ‘Joan of Arc’ as he has not been seen in the area for some time, but this was ruled out when it was discovered his band have been on an extensive tour of Micronesia since July.

Battle of Spotsilvania

We spoke to Livingston FC’s Chief Executive, Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, for his thoughts on the theft and the potential impact of Bear’s clear emotional distress on his team selection for next week’s game with Raith Rovers.  “Sir, I do believe I have advised you several times before, this has nothing to do with me” he said.

James, this morning

Airdrie connection

The Daily Tabloid has since learned that Borders and Lothian Police are following a positive line of enquiry involving several thieving Airdrie tinks and a North African Fire Salamander called James.

Investigations are ongoing.

NASA in Martian mystery

18 Aug

Top space boffins at NASA got more than they bargained for when multi-million dollar Mars “Curiosity rover” photographed a rather surprising object lying on the surface of the Red Planet – an SPL-branded football!

The ball on Mars, this morning.

The car-sized exploratory vehicle blasted off from Cape Crusader last November before making a perfect landing on our neighbouring world earlier this month.  Its mission is to explore Gale Crater on the Martian surface before climbing a huge extinct volcano, known as Mount Sharp, to sample and photographs rocks and stuff.

Houston we have a problem

However space chiefs at the project’s HQ in Houston Industrial Estate were stunned to find the size 5 Mitre ball lying on the surface when the rover’s first set of high resolution images were successfully beamed back to Earth in the early hours of this morning.

Naturally the turned to the Fans’ Champion Daily Tabloid for help: and it’s a good job they did.

With the assistance of astronomers and Russell Grant with his pink divining rods, we have been able to clear up the mystery.

Useless git

Back in 2004 during a midweek game against Hibernian at Valealmond Stadium, failed Hungarian giant, Attila Kriston, attempted a long ball from defence intended for Richard Brittain as the game entered its latter stages.  However, given Kriston’s sheer size and lack of ability, his lofted pass cleared the stadium’s North Stand and was never seen again.

Attila Kriston, somewhere yesterday

So miss-hit was the lofty Magyar’s gargantuan toe-poke, that in addition to clearing the stadium, the ball also broke free from Earth’s gravitational field and headed off into outer space.  After several years travelling through the vacuum of the Solar System, it was pulled in by Mars’ gravitational field and sent plummeting through its atmosphere to land in the Gale Crater.

There is now some speculation that Kriston’s wayward pass actually caused the Gale Crater to be formed, but hopefully “Curiosity” can clarify this in due course.

Caravan

Asked for his thoughts on the matter, Kriston’s former manager at Livingston – Vincent Van “Fug” Gough – said “I used to play for Scotland and Rangers. The proper Rangers I mean, not this new Mickey Mouse lot.”

“Want to buy a caravan?” he added.

More on this story as it develops.

LTID in “Separation” shocker!

8 Jan

As the Livi Till I Die (LTID) supporters trust ‘fan on the board’ election campaign kicks into overdrive, sensational plans to divorce the club from itself have been mooted by one of the two candidates.

Dara Stoker, last night

Incumbant fan-on-the-board, Dara Stoker, launched his re-election drive by promising the fans a return to the Meadowbank Thistle glory days.  This ambitious scheme would see half the club wrenched from the British Motor Corporation Stadium and relocated back east to take up residence once more at Edinburgh’s former Commonwealth Stadium.

Divorce

An enthusiastic Stoker (40) was only too keen to discuss his plans last night.  “It’s simple, ken” he said,  “there’s two of us up for it, so with my plan we can both get on the board.  Meadowbank will be gain its independence from Livi: two clubs, two boards.  Barrie!”

“Besides, I’ve got all this Meadowbank stuff cluttering-up the house, and the wife is at me to use it or lose it.”

Paul Don campaigning, yesterday

Separatist Vermin

However Stoker’s rival for the vacant boardroom seat, Paul Don, was scathing of the plan he regards as separation rather than independence.

“I have no time for these separatists” he stormed.  “We’re stronger as a united club.  Team GB, that’s Gary Bollan incidentally, all the way!”

Devolution

“If I win the election though, I am prepared to extend an olive branch to the separatists and offer a concession of some devolved powers” he continued.  “Kit washing, upkeep of the players’ boots and filling in the teamsheets can all be devolved to Meadowbank, but the rest – such as cutting the grass and team selection – will remain reserved issues for Livingston.”

Doom

But as the gloves come off in the LTID power struggle, constitutional experts were quick to highlight potential flaws in both plans.

Hell, last night

Gloom

Ross McWhirter QC of the West Highland Free Press last night sounded a note of caution to both camps.  “If either club, when they separate as they surely will, decides to play on a Sunday then the fires of Hell will rain down upon them as the seven gates of Hades open to set forth the Beast to devour them.  Or something.”

The campaigning continues.

%d bloggers like this: