Archive | December, 2011

Livi’s other new TV star

31 Dec

As the Tabloid’s editorial festive jolly continues, here’s another blast from the past to keep you on the edge of your seats. Originally published on Saturday 26 March 2005…

Marko Rajamaki (left) and Stuart Lovell, in 2005 yesterday

With all the media hype lately surrounding the new Livi ‘striker’ joining the cast of BBC Scotland’s weegie soap, River City, the Daily Tabloid today EXCLUSIVELY reveals that the fictional ‘Andrew Murray’ is not the only Lion starring in front of the camera.

For unbeknown to most viewers on this side of the world, several ex-Livi players have swapped their amber shirts for denim dungarees, and are now fictional inmates in the highly successful low-budget Australian soap Prisoner: Cell Block H. Set in the unrealistic Wentworth Detention Centre, the show revolves around the lives of several big butch lesbians, and their daily existence within the shaky plywood walls and bars of the fictitious women’s jail.

The show has been running for many years now, but has already made household names of ex-Lions Jason Young, Lee Bailey and Willie Callaghan. However, the Tabloid now understands that former skipper Stuart Lovell’s part-time contract with Queen of the South has enabled him to return to his homeland every week to film his new character Vera “Vinegar Tits” Bennett, a hard-nosed prison warden.

We spoke to Lovell last night in Australia where he was clearly excited by his new role. “I love this character!” he enthused. “She’s such a nasty piece of goods, and I get to beat-up the prisoners – and get paid for it! Beats being Livi captain, that’s for sure.” And Lovell is likely to be joined by his former manager Jim Leishman who is expected to become the prison’s new governor following the recent defection of Erica Davidson (aka ex-Dundee Utd goalkeeper Hamish MacAlpine) to rival soap Neighbours.

L-R: Jason Young, Lee Bailey, Willie Callaghan & Oscar Rubio, yesterday

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Want onions, mate?!

30 Dec

Todays look back into the Tabloid archives see us reproduce another hilarious issue; this time from Thursday, 7th April 2005. It’s all true, you know?!

Stavros in 2005, yesterday

Stavros, the guy that used to be the kid on Kebab seller on ‘Saturday Night Live’ signs on as Livi’s club ‘interpretor’. Read on for more…………….

It would appear that the rather unpredictable Pearse Brosnan, has appointed 80’s comedy icon ‘Stavros the Kebab seller’ to the position of  ‘Club interpretor’, after the short term signing of Pascal Nouma has raised the profile of Livingston FC in Turkey, a small land locked country to the far north of Asia.

Livingston fans web sites have been inundated by Turkish ‘Turks’ all clambering for any information on Pascal, who famously once gave the Royal Crown Prince of Turkmenistan a ‘Moonie’ after scoring a vital goal during a vital end of season derby game between Fennerbatchie and Rabsbarsponsor. It was this very celebration that saw him arrested and placed in jail for 2 years until Jason (and his Argonauts) managed to wangle him free amidst scenes more akin to a ‘Carry On’ movie.

In Turkey you see they are not allowed to keep women as pets, and if a woman is found in the street without the correct papers then she is immediately shown a red card and ordered back to the kitchen to make supper for her hard working husband and children. So when a woman is spotted in the streets, it causes mayhem, with the traffic stopping to gawk and everything.

On the occasion of Pascals bid for freedom, the Argonauts were pretending to have a kick about outside the prison in full view of the guards. This one Argonaut falls to the ground, like he has hurt his leg or something, and before you can say ‘shake and vac’ a lovely leggy lady who has appeared from nowhere goes down on him with her magic sponge, much to the delight of the guards who are given an eyeful of her Turkish Delight.

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Blue Peter joy for Kinder-Egg

29 Dec

Not much longer now till we can be bothered to write some new stuff, so to keep you going here’s one from the 14th December 2004…

Kinder-Egg's hair, in 2004

Young Livi fans will today be delighted at the news that benchmark TV show Blue Peter is set for a new pet – chairman Tony Kinder-Egg’s hair.

For following the sad passing of the ever popular Shep, BBC bosses have decided to bring a new animal to replace the collie as soon as possible. This will be the first time the show has had pet hair, but producer Biddy Baxter thinks the time is right to break the mould. “We’ve had dogs, cats, tortoises and now we have Tony’s hair” she said last night. “I think the children will just adore it.”

And this sentiment was backed by legendry presenter John Noakes from his farm in Yorkshire. “I miss old Shep, but I can’t wait to meet Tony’s hair: it seems so woolly and cuddly. I’m sure we’ll make a great team” he told our reporter.

Egg jumps for joy at the news, yesterday in 2004

But in typically modest fashion, Kinder-Egg was playing-down his hair’s new starring role. “Why aye pet, it’s canny” he said. “Me bairns have watched the show for years, and I cannat believe me hair’s gonna be part of it man! But I won’t get carried away, divvun worry. I’ll just keep being chairman and let me hair do it’s own thing pet.”

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Make mines a beer!

28 Dec

The Tabloid continues its lazy look back through the dusty Tabloid archives this week with ‘Make mines a beer!’ – first published on Wednesday, 15th December 2004

Harry Half Pint, yesterday

In another Tabloid exclusive, we can exclusively reveal that Livingston FC’s newest addition to the payroll is a former bus driver and High Court Judge. Harry ‘Half Pint’ has been appointed as head of the ‘Beveridge Department’ in an attempt to boost bevvy sales to younger fans at Almondvale. 

In a shock move yesterday, Pearse Brosnan (72), head of the ‘Livvy Consortina’ has appointed disgraced former LRT bus driver and High Court Judge Harry ‘Half Pint’ (14) to drum up the sales of alcohol to younger fans on matchdays at Almondvale Stadium.

When asked to comment Pearse was overheard to say “Move your foot kiddo, or Ill set the dogs on you, to be sure”

‘Half Pint’ (11) was a little more forthcoming but did however avoid any reference on the incident six months ago with the barmaid that saw him lose his bus licence. “A’ve been well warned no tae shay anything aboot that, no? Mind you, they were a fair pair, eh?” he slurred.

When probed for details on the shock appointment, the clearly buckled ‘Half Pint’ advised the assembled shoppers that “A gap hash been identified in the age groupsh that partake in a shwallay before the games. The under eighteensh have got money to shpend and it’sh my job to make shure they shpend it with ush. On beer.”

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Former Livi winger in Bike smash horror!

27 Dec

As the  editorial festive piss-up continues unabated, we look back to the 22nd December 2005 as the Tabloid vault gets raided once again…

Duthie’s ‘hog’ before the accident, in 2005

In the wake of no known rumours or heady speculation, the fans’ champion Tabloid can this morning EXCLUSIVELY reveal the whereabouts of former Lions legend Mark Duthie.

The diminutive winger, famed for his blistering speed and near-transparent milky skin, was recently spotted on an obscure American public access TV show entitled “Death we defy you!” attempting to jump over 24 articulated lorries on a child’s tricycle. Sporting a fluorescent green and black leather jumpsuit, Casper – Duthie’s stage name – was seen hurtling down a ramp on the tricycle before promptly smashing into the side of the first lorry.

Duthie (actual size) recovering yesterday, in 2005

Following extensive research we managed to track Duthie down to hospital in Alabama where he was receiving treatment for multiple fractures and a replacement right eye. Speaking from his hospital bed, Duthie told us “after Livi my life hit the skids. Ayr United, Berwick Rangers, how can that top Almondvale? I had to find a new thrill, so I made the decision to become a daredevil instead.”

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Let’s get ready to rumble!

26 Dec

Fight Club, yesterday

The Daily Tabloid continues its Xmas week look back into the Tabloid archives. This was first published on Friday 4th February 2005; enjoy!

It seems that annoying, chuggy chewing, cap wearing, king of the ‘excuse’, Dundee Utd manager Ian McCall could soon be given his head to play with after a leaked report outlining plans for an end of season stramash has been uncovered. Read on for more

An SPL report leaked to the Daily Tabloid today has revealed exciting plans to have a massive free for all on the steps outside Hampden Park, Glasgow to decide who gets relegated if 2 or more teams finish the season bottom of the league with equal points.

The document outlines how the ‘last man standing’ skirmish will allow teams who have been gash all season one final chance to roll up their sleeves and get fired into the opposition in a last gasp attempt to avoid the dreaded drop to the lower leagues.

A fight, yesterday

Livingston manager Vincent Van Gough (77) insisted that he would be more than happy to march his troops to SPL safety in this manner. “If I was given the chance to legally swing for that fat wee chump Ian McCall I’d take it, no questions asked. Do you think they’ll allow weapons?”

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Merry Christmas from the Tabloid vaults

25 Dec

So our editorial team can get pissed today, we’ve taken the easy option and decided to repeat a story at random from the original Sunday Tabloid’s back catalogue.  This was originally published on Sunday, 26th February 2006 – enjoy…

The Cheeky Girls, in 2006

Livi’s downturn in form has sucked the life out most of the fans, but now it seems the players were getting it in the neck too…

Sensational news had reached Tabloid Towers which sheds shocking new light on the decline in Livi’s fortunes this season.

New manager John Robertson ordered a ‘shake-down’ of the club’s structure from top to bottom in an effort to diagnose the problem, and it was following this that two previously unknown members of staff were discovered. It seems Dominic Keane’s legacy has not completely deserted Almondvale as the two mystery employees are none other than tuneless Transylvanian twins, the Cheeky Girls.

Players had complained of low energy levels, following the discovery of recurring puncture marks on their necks. Some even complained of problems seeing themselves in the mirror, crossing running water or cooking garlic. Reports that keeper Ludovic Roy was unable to hold crosses were not connected with this incident.

Partially-burnt papers discovered in a fireplace revealed Keane had hired the skeletal duo as fitness coaches; however neither had been seen at any daylight training sessions, preferring instead to work at night.

Former boss John Robertson, yesterday

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