Livi joy as Seagal extends deal!

19 Dec

Steven Seagal, yesterday

Christmas came early for Livingston when top Hollywood actor Steven Seagal signed a two year contract extension meaning he’ll be riding fast cars, exploding things and generally Kung-Fooing bad guys whilst wearing a Livi strip until the summer of 2014.

Two for a pound

Seagal’s agent, Steven Cow, took time out from trying to shift white cotton sports socks at Bathgate market to tell the Tabloid “Steven Seagal is delighted to sign this contract extension with Livi as the demand for his back catalogue of direct-to-video DVD’s has slumped leaving him with few available options. He’s promised to show the Livi fans that he’s not washed up as an actor and still has his best years ahead of him”

So he’s quite handy then?

Seagal’s career  has been on the rocks ever since UnderSiege2 – Dark territory (1995), where he resurrected the role of Casey Ryback – a Chief Petty Officer and former Navy SEAL operator turned chef with top training in martial arts, explosives, special-weapons and tactics who is a master of unarmed combat, highly skilled with firearms, knives and other forms of combat which enables him to defeat mercenaries/terrorists with ease, performed poorly at the box office.

Lyle and Scott 

Gordon MacDougall, yesterday

Livi Chairman, Gordon McDougal, enthused about Seagal saying that “The crime rate round my way is so bad that there’s a six months waiting list just to get mugged so I’m delighted that we’ll have him round the place to warn off crooks and criminals!

“In actual fact I’m just back from the BBC canteen. Now I don’t normally go there but it was a bit of a special occasion; they were presenting one of the sausage rolls with a gold watch to celebrate it’s retirement”

Just awful 

The Tabloid commends the Livi board for loosening the purse strings to extend Seagal’s time at the British Motor Corporation Stadium but he’ll have to go someway to show the fans that flops such as Black Dawn, Belly of the Beast, Out of Reach, Submerged, Kill Switch, Urban Justice, Pistol Whipped, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill, A Dangerous Man, Born to Raise Hell and The Keeper are in the past and that his future at Livi is bright!

Best of luck Steven!

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