Archive | January, 2012

LTID in “Separation” shocker!

8 Jan

As the Livi Till I Die (LTID) supporters trust ‘fan on the board’ election campaign kicks into overdrive, sensational plans to divorce the club from itself have been mooted by one of the two candidates.

Dara Stoker, last night

Incumbant fan-on-the-board, Dara Stoker, launched his re-election drive by promising the fans a return to the Meadowbank Thistle glory days.  This ambitious scheme would see half the club wrenched from the British Motor Corporation Stadium and relocated back east to take up residence once more at Edinburgh’s former Commonwealth Stadium.

Divorce

An enthusiastic Stoker (40) was only too keen to discuss his plans last night.  “It’s simple, ken” he said,  “there’s two of us up for it, so with my plan we can both get on the board.  Meadowbank will be gain its independence from Livi: two clubs, two boards.  Barrie!”

“Besides, I’ve got all this Meadowbank stuff cluttering-up the house, and the wife is at me to use it or lose it.”

Paul Don campaigning, yesterday

Separatist Vermin

However Stoker’s rival for the vacant boardroom seat, Paul Don, was scathing of the plan he regards as separation rather than independence.

“I have no time for these separatists” he stormed.  “We’re stronger as a united club.  Team GB, that’s Gary Bollan incidentally, all the way!”

Devolution

“If I win the election though, I am prepared to extend an olive branch to the separatists and offer a concession of some devolved powers” he continued.  “Kit washing, upkeep of the players’ boots and filling in the teamsheets can all be devolved to Meadowbank, but the rest – such as cutting the grass and team selection – will remain reserved issues for Livingston.”

Doom

But as the gloves come off in the LTID power struggle, constitutional experts were quick to highlight potential flaws in both plans.

Hell, last night

Gloom

Ross McWhirter QC of the West Highland Free Press last night sounded a note of caution to both camps.  “If either club, when they separate as they surely will, decides to play on a Sunday then the fires of Hell will rain down upon them as the seven gates of Hades open to set forth the Beast to devour them.  Or something.”

The campaigning continues.

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Hutch top Livi fan? Not so say Professionals!

7 Jan

Doyle, Bunnet and Bones, yesterday

The stars of ITV’s late 70’s early 80’s Sunday night drama ‘The Professionals’ have hit back at claims that top TV and pop star David Soul is Livi’s most famous fan!

Show us your medals!  

Charles Bunnet, Raymond Doyle and William Andrew Philip Bones have come out publicly and stated that they’ve had season tickets for years and not only that but Bones actually drove the team bus through to Hampden when Livi gubbed the Hibs to win the CIS C0-operative Insurance Cup back in 1994 whereas David Soul is a part timer who wouldn’t know his Gary Bollan from his Phillipe Brinquin.

Bunnet, who’s now in charge of making sure the lights are turned out at the end of the day at the British Motor Corporation Stadium, also starred in top Hollywood blockbuster ‘The Great Escape’ where he stupidly gave the game away as the Nazi’s closed in on escaped prisoners of war as they got on a bus, said “Who does David Soul think he is with his LA teeth and flash red Ford Torino and his cool Zebra 3 call sign and  Captain Dobey shouting at him all the time and that, eh?”

Short fuse

Bones was more forthcoming! “Why I’ll take the boy Soul, and his buddy Starsky, outside and gie the pair o’ thum a right guid hidin’!

Starsky lookalike Doyle tried to calm things a little when he added “I’ve always wondered just how Starsky got his perm to sit just right. Ooh he looked a dream in that cardigan of his as he climbed out that swimming pool at the start of their show, don’t you think?”

Like an early Snoop Dog

Huggy Bear, yesterday

The Tabloid called the owner of down market  LA backstreet bar the ‘Pitts’, a Mr Huggy Bear asking if he’d like to comment on the nail biting tension between ‘The Professionals’ and ‘Starsky and Hutch’ as the row over who is Livi’s most famous fan escalates.

Mr Bear would only speak to us off the record to say ” I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.”

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Bond’s barmy bacon bonanza!

6 Jan

Livi’s head chef, Simon Prowse, was left happy as a pig in shale last night, thanks to an administrative slip-up by 007 star Daniel Craig.

James Bond star Daniel Craig, yesterday

For unbeknown to the entrepeneur culinary Sith Lord, the absent-minded movie icon sent 47 tons of top quality bacon to the British Motor Corporation Stadium instead of its proper destination, the Blantyre Motor Corporation Stadium.

Faux pas

Craig (51) was this morning “shaken but not stirred” by his clerical faux pas, and put it all down to his poor ability to differentiate between history and geography under pressure.

Shagging

Simon Prowse, last night

“I’ve been sending bacon to the Livingstone Centre in Blantyre for years from my farm in Musselburgh” he told us yesterday.  “But on Wednesday I’d been pumping these three absolutely top-drawer Russian lady spies for information, and in my excitement wrote ‘Livingstone’ instead of ‘Blantyre’ on the weekly delivery slip.  The driver understandably jumped to the wrong conclusion, and that was that.”

“In all my years of growing bacon plants, this is the first time that’s happened.  So I guess Prowse can consider it a gift – ‘From Musselburgh With Love’, if you like!”

Ecstatic

Meanwhile Prowse (56) was ecstatic at his unexpected suilline windfall.

Some bacon, this morning

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Hutch isn’t for giving up!

5 Jan

Top Pop and TV star David Soul, yesterday

Livingston’s most famous supporter, David Soul, of such TV hits as Starsky and Hutch, Salems Lot and ‘V’, has spoken out in support of Gary Bollan!

Nice jacket 

Thirty six year old Soul, who also topped the Pop Parade in the mid to late 70’s with such hits as ‘Don’t give up on us‘ (listen) and ‘Silver Dream Machine ‘ (listen), hit back at claims that Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated.

Not Starsky, the other one

 Soul said “The claims that  Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated, are wrong.

He added “Don’t give up on us, baby, We’re still worth one more try, I know we put a last one by, Just for a rainy evening, When maybe stars are few, Don’t give up on us, I know, We can still come through

Don’t give up on us, baby
Don’t give up on us, baby”

Starsky and Hutch's Red Ford Torino, yesterday

Red Ford Torino

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St Bobby targeted in Gaga kidnap plot

4 Jan

The Tabloid returned from its festive break this morning to to the news of an alleged failed attempt to kidnap St Bobby Barr by madcap American songstress, Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga in concert, last night

Gaga – aka James MacPherson, a truck driver and married father of six from Dayton, Ohio – had apparently been stalking St Bobby for quite some time.

Paranoia

As his stage persona continued its unstoppable ascent into global stardom, Gaga’s increasing paranoia had viewed St Bobby as a threat, more so after his sensational appearance on a slice of toast belonging to a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary last month (see Tabloid 10 December).

Report

A spokesman for Borders & Lothian Police today refused to discuss details but confirmed that a report had been submitted, but no charges have been filed as yet.

Little Monsters

Famous for her hits such as Poker Face, Born This Way and My Old Man’s A Dustman, Gaga’s army of global are likely to be horrified at their idol’s latest zany stunt.   Dressing up as a robot, butcher’s shop and telephone kiosk have been hailed as avant-garde by her army of “little monsters” as she calls them, however kidnapping a saint is likely to tip the scales of public opinion against the transatlantic warbler.

Meatloaf

As ever though, St Bobby was playing the whole thing down when we contacted him at his home yesterday.  “My missus is into Gaga, but ah’m mairy a Metallica guy, know?” he said in a saintly sort of way.

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Livi’s ‘boy racers’ earn themselves a ticking off!

3 Jan

Yet another look into the Tabloid archives brings us this gem from Wednesday, 30th March 2005:

An elderly shopper was yesterday complaining that Livi’s young players earn too much money. As ever, we have the latest rundown on all that’s happening down Almondvale High Street.

Pearse Brosnan (35), Multi Billionaire and owner of Livingston Football Club has issued players at the club with a stern ticking off, after a LIDL customer got a fright as they all raced up the road in their fast cars after training, yesterday.

Apparently, the young Livi stars, including club captain Andrew Murray, earn so much money that the latest game to sweep through the dressing room is to bet on who’s motor is the fastest and has the most coloured stickers on it.

However 85 year old Bernadette Timpson, was less than impressed when her bag of Pineapples and assorted citrus fruits dropped to the ground and burst open, spilling the contents all over the LIDL car park, as the exhausted players hared noisily past the cheap foreign shop after a sweaty half hours worth of intensive mucking around on the Field turf with team manager Richard Van Gough struggling to keep control of them.

Livi players cars in LIDL's car park, yesterday, in 2005

“Some of their fast cars were back firing and everything” she complained, as shop staff helped her locate her wayward produce.

“They whipper snappers earn far too much money, by far, it oughtn’t to be allowed” she continued as other elderly hard up shoppers’ tutted in agreement nearby.

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Emu becomes a Lion

2 Jan


We’re making the most of the Tabloid‘s final festive day off today by flicking the viccies at doing any thing new, and instead reproducing something originally published on Monday 7 March 2005…

Emu (L) and Hull (R) in the 70s, yesterday

Zany 70’s and 80’s TV prankster, Rod Hull, dramatically revealed last night that following the recent upturn in fortune for Livingston FC, both he and puppet sidekick Emu have now converted to full-blown Livi fans.

 
Hull (63) is known the world over for his madcap antics, physically assaulting the great and good of the showbiz world via his bedraggled under-armed antipodean puppet. However, from now on both Hull and Emu have put all that behind them as they concentrate on their new task at hand, cheering on the Lions.

 
We spoke to Hull’s manager, Danny Frottage, to find out why the comedy ‘duo’ has decided to follow Livi. “Well since ever since Rod died in 1999 falling off his roof, times have been hard” he said, “and poor Emu has been out of work, gathering dust on a shelf. So it was time to get them both back in the public eye as I still get letters from fans all over the world asking when Rod & Emu will be back.”

 
“We’ve received 5 letters a week, every week, from a young man in Livingston called David Charles begging Rod and Emu to come back, so what better way to make the lad’s dream come true than have them support his own team?”

 

A happy David Charles, last night

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