Archive | August, 2012

Generous move from Livi’s new Pal-adin!

26 Aug

Livi fans were given a massive boost yesterday by the generosity of a much-loved TV personality of the 70s and 80s.

Glen Michael and Paladin in the 70s, yesterday

Much has been discussed amongst the Lions faithful as to how the club could improve attendances and increase Season Ticket sales in an effort to attract the support of so many disinterested locals.  Fans have often been at each other’s throats, as suggestions and counter suggestion became heated, but it looks like these dark days could be numbered.


Glen Michael, star of STV’s mega-popular kids show “Cartoon Cavalcade”, had watched the plight from afar and was finally convinced by his faithful sidekick – a rusty paraffin lamp called Paladin – to do something about it.

“With all the millions I made from TV, I was never happy” he told us yesterday.  “I was loved by children, adored by the public, but my only real friends were Paladin and Rusty, my long-dead dog.

Crap cartoons


A think tank, last night.

“So one day I was watching another of those crap ‘Arabian Nights‘ cartoons we had on the show, when Paladin told me the arguing at Valealmond had to stop. And he was right.

“One quick call to my financial adviser later, and I had bought Livingston FC a nearly-new think tank off Ebay!”

And indeed, the move has already been well received by the fans.


“This is a very generous move by Mr Michael” said Trust representative Dara Stoker (14).  “I can see our new think tank being a very popular addition to the stadium, and look forward to seeing all the new baby thinks swimming around inside it very soon.”


Thingummyjig in the 80s, yesterday

And there may be more good news for Livingston on the horizon, as the Sunday Tabloid has learned former “Thingummyjig” host, Jack The Laird o’ Cowcaddens McLaughlin, has all but secured a brand new School of Thought, which sources close to the star say he intends to donate to the club’s Youth Programme.

More on this story when we get it.


Yogi in picnic basket theft horror

21 Aug

Livi gaffer, Yogi Bear, was last night reeling after his private collection of picnic baskets was stolen in a midnight raid at his home in Jellystone Park.

Yogi in happier times, yesterday.

Speaking to a packed press conference this morning, Bear’s normally amiable personality was completely absent as he raged at the loss of the collection he had spent several years amassing.

Canny believe it

“I canny believe it” he said.  “Me and Boo Boo (Bear’s assistant, John Collins out of OMD) spent pure yonks sniffin’ oot quality pick-a-nick baskets from all the tourists that come to the park.

“We aye skipped the ones from Aldi and Lidl as they were all German crap, and concentrated on the top notch ones from Harrods, Jenners and the Co-op that used to be in the Craigshill Mall.  There were 27 of them at the last count, all empty mind.

“I’m reduced to carrier bags now” he sobbed.

Collins out of OMD

Collins out of OMD, last night

Police were initially keen to talk to Collins out of OMD, star of hits such as ‘Enola Gay’ and ‘Joan of Arc’ as he has not been seen in the area for some time, but this was ruled out when it was discovered his band have been on an extensive tour of Micronesia since July.

Battle of Spotsilvania

We spoke to Livingston FC’s Chief Executive, Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, for his thoughts on the theft and the potential impact of Bear’s clear emotional distress on his team selection for next week’s game with Raith Rovers.  “Sir, I do believe I have advised you several times before, this has nothing to do with me” he said.

James, this morning

Airdrie connection

The Daily Tabloid has since learned that Borders and Lothian Police are following a positive line of enquiry involving several thieving Airdrie tinks and a North African Fire Salamander called James.

Investigations are ongoing.

NASA in Martian mystery

18 Aug

Top space boffins at NASA got more than they bargained for when multi-million dollar Mars “Curiosity rover” photographed a rather surprising object lying on the surface of the Red Planet – an SPL-branded football!

The ball on Mars, this morning.

The car-sized exploratory vehicle blasted off from Cape Crusader last November before making a perfect landing on our neighbouring world earlier this month.  Its mission is to explore Gale Crater on the Martian surface before climbing a huge extinct volcano, known as Mount Sharp, to sample and photographs rocks and stuff.

Houston we have a problem

However space chiefs at the project’s HQ in Houston Industrial Estate were stunned to find the size 5 Mitre ball lying on the surface when the rover’s first set of high resolution images were successfully beamed back to Earth in the early hours of this morning.

Naturally the turned to the Fans’ Champion Daily Tabloid for help: and it’s a good job they did.

With the assistance of astronomers and Russell Grant with his pink divining rods, we have been able to clear up the mystery.

Useless git

Back in 2004 during a midweek game against Hibernian at Valealmond Stadium, failed Hungarian giant, Attila Kriston, attempted a long ball from defence intended for Richard Brittain as the game entered its latter stages.  However, given Kriston’s sheer size and lack of ability, his lofted pass cleared the stadium’s North Stand and was never seen again.

Attila Kriston, somewhere yesterday

So miss-hit was the lofty Magyar’s gargantuan toe-poke, that in addition to clearing the stadium, the ball also broke free from Earth’s gravitational field and headed off into outer space.  After several years travelling through the vacuum of the Solar System, it was pulled in by Mars’ gravitational field and sent plummeting through its atmosphere to land in the Gale Crater.

There is now some speculation that Kriston’s wayward pass actually caused the Gale Crater to be formed, but hopefully “Curiosity” can clarify this in due course.


Asked for his thoughts on the matter, Kriston’s former manager at Livingston – Vincent Van “Fug” Gough – said “I used to play for Scotland and Rangers. The proper Rangers I mean, not this new Mickey Mouse lot.”

“Want to buy a caravan?” he added.

More on this story as it develops.

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