Archive | September, 2012

Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process

14 Sep

A dressing room plan to rebuild team unity at Valealmond Stadium looks set to fail as Livi’s chief executive poo-poos the proposed Celebrity  Arm Wrestling contest. 

Jeremy Beadle’s hand, yesterday

With tensions still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with some of his associates from his local pub.

Celebrity Arm wrestling was Fox’s obvious choice, as it combines competition with an element of fun.

Beadle’s not about

However the Lions’ top brass, deceased Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, pulled the plug as soon as he discovered he had been drawn against  former “Game for a Laugh” prankster, Jeremy Beadle in the first round.

Huge hand

Beadle, who died of laughing in 2008, is famed for having one massively oversized hand, and it was this obvious advantage which made Nixon’s competitive nature see red.


General G.E.D.Nixon, in 1862

“Sir” he said yesterday, “I am not averse to my men enjoying themselves on campaign.  It’s good for morale and good for keeping the unit together when under heavy Yankee artillery fire.


“But I will not arm wrestle  with a man whose hand is like a seal’s flipper, no matter what the cause.  It ain’t natural. That thing is the size of an elephant’s ear, and look what happened to Stonewall Jackson’s arm.”

Alternative plans have since had to be drawn up, with Defender Paul Watson suggesting a form of ‘Dancing on Ice’ but with Subbuteo; and goalkeeper Andy McNeil offering to host a mass custard pie throwing gala in an unspecified venue in Edinburgh.


Jesus and a dinosaur, last night



But all these look set to fail as General Nixon seems set veto anything other than bayonet drill and cavalry manoeuvres.


We asked Jesus for his thoughts on the matter“Blessed are the Pacemakers, for they shall ferry across the Mersey” he said in a Spanish accent.


Armageddon comes to Valealmond?

2 Sep

A bitter theological war of words this evening threatened to sour Livingston’s stunning 2-1 win away to Falkirk.

St Bobby and Jesus falling out, yesterday.

For insiders have revealed to your fan’s champion Sunday Tabloid that all is not well in the dressing room since the arrival of new signing Jesus to the club.


Recently canonised midfielder, St Bobby Barr, is said to be fuming that the alleged son of God has outshone him in the halo stakes ever since his arrival at the club following his release by Bethlehem FC in Palestine.


Sources have told how St Bobby has silently seethed as the defensive Lamb of God:

  • Raised former manager John Robertson from the dead
  • Turned the showers into fountains of wine
  • Passed Airdrie’s Cammy (MacDonald) through the eye of a needle
  • Gave out free Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers to players and staff
  • Cheated at a training session game of hide & seek by peering through the holes in his hands

Pure ragin’

We tried to speak to an enraged St Bobby this evening, but he was too enraged to comment, except for raging “Ah’m enraged at Jesus! Just cos his da’s the boss dizny mean he can dae whitever he wants! Ah’m pure ragin’!”

A Caramel Wafer, last week

We understand however that manager Yogi Bear has attempted to dampen the flames by offering all the squad a free picnic basket each.  But this is unlikely to succeed as it is understood two different camps have already formed in the dressing room: known informally as the Barrites and the Jesuites.

Angels fighting

We spoke to renowned cleric, Father Anthony Kiddifiddler, for his view on how things are likely to pan out.  “It’s very similar to that bit in the bible about the angels fighting each other, and one falling to earth where he made Glasgow” he said.

Father Kiddiefiddler, outside court yesterday

“There’s likely to be quite a rumpus, but St Bobby really is up against it as he’s merely Nouveau Divinity, whilst Jesus clearly comes from more established stock.

End of days

“In any event I predict the end of days, the rising of The Beast and a half price sale at Aldis.”

** Have any of you seen signs of the coming Armageddon?  Fire & brimstone falling from the sky: the dead rising: music from the Old Spice adverts playing?  Drop us a line and let us know.

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