Armageddon comes to Valealmond?

2 Sep

A bitter theological war of words this evening threatened to sour Livingston’s stunning 2-1 win away to Falkirk.

St Bobby and Jesus falling out, yesterday.

For insiders have revealed to your fan’s champion Sunday Tabloid that all is not well in the dressing room since the arrival of new signing Jesus to the club.


Recently canonised midfielder, St Bobby Barr, is said to be fuming that the alleged son of God has outshone him in the halo stakes ever since his arrival at the club following his release by Bethlehem FC in Palestine.


Sources have told how St Bobby has silently seethed as the defensive Lamb of God:

  • Raised former manager John Robertson from the dead
  • Turned the showers into fountains of wine
  • Passed Airdrie’s Cammy (MacDonald) through the eye of a needle
  • Gave out free Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers to players and staff
  • Cheated at a training session game of hide & seek by peering through the holes in his hands

Pure ragin’

We tried to speak to an enraged St Bobby this evening, but he was too enraged to comment, except for raging “Ah’m enraged at Jesus! Just cos his da’s the boss dizny mean he can dae whitever he wants! Ah’m pure ragin’!”

A Caramel Wafer, last week

We understand however that manager Yogi Bear has attempted to dampen the flames by offering all the squad a free picnic basket each.  But this is unlikely to succeed as it is understood two different camps have already formed in the dressing room: known informally as the Barrites and the Jesuites.

Angels fighting

We spoke to renowned cleric, Father Anthony Kiddifiddler, for his view on how things are likely to pan out.  “It’s very similar to that bit in the bible about the angels fighting each other, and one falling to earth where he made Glasgow” he said.

Father Kiddiefiddler, outside court yesterday

“There’s likely to be quite a rumpus, but St Bobby really is up against it as he’s merely Nouveau Divinity, whilst Jesus clearly comes from more established stock.

End of days

“In any event I predict the end of days, the rising of The Beast and a half price sale at Aldis.”

** Have any of you seen signs of the coming Armageddon?  Fire & brimstone falling from the sky: the dead rising: music from the Old Spice adverts playing?  Drop us a line and let us know.


One Response to “Armageddon comes to Valealmond?”


  1. Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process « dailylivitabloid - September 14, 2012

    […] still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with […]

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