Archive | October, 2012

Marring Milky Machinations

7 Oct

Livi’s Director of Football, John Collins out of OMD, last night slammed  recent scaremongering rumours circulating around the interweb, and promised to take direct action to deal with them.



Collins out of OMD (left) in the 80s, yesterday

A popular supporters online discussion forum suggested earlier in the week that the club may have changed milk suppliers despite assurances that this would never happen.  The ‘word on the street’ was that FirstMilk was set to become the club’s creamery of choice, trumping long-term supplier Virgin Milk to the lucrative 3-figure contract.


However, Collins out of OMD was quick to deny this.

“Virgin Milk have never let us down” he said last night.  “Ask any of the girls in the office: whenever a refreshing brew is required up in the boardroom there’s always a fresh bottle of Virgin Milk in the fridge.

Cottage Cheese

“Yes, there was that one time when Yogi thought the milk was off and lumpy, but it was quickly realised that he’d picked up Nicola from reception’s cottage cheese by mistake. A clear case of human error I’m sure you’ll agree.  Well, sort of bear/human hybrid, but you get the point.


Some milk, last night

“Anyway, I’ve grown to detest these malicious lies, so the time has come to confront them head-on. The grapevine can be a nasty, nasty thing at times, so it’s my intention to find its base and chop it down. A big axe, or maybe a saw should do the trick. Or possibly General Nixon’s cavalry sabre if he lets me borrow it.

“But make no mistake, the grapevine won’t be rumouring for much longer!”

Secret talks

But the Daily Tabloid has since learned that secret behind-the-scenes discussions HAD taken place, and a deal with FirstMilk was indeed agreed. However a subsequent enquiry by Chairman Gordon McDougall found the process to be flawed, so the deal was withdrawn.



Chairman Gordon McDougall, last week

We asked receptionist Nicola Trees for her thoughts on the matter.  “Well it was only a wee tub o’ cottage cheese, ken? An’ Yogi’s eyes don’t work all that well at his time of year.  He should be getting ready to hibernate you see” she said.

Chairman Gordon McDougall was unavailable for comment last night, as he was at Whitburn Miners Welfare telling a joke about his mother-in-law.

Or something.

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