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Marring Milky Machinations

7 Oct

Livi’s Director of Football, John Collins out of OMD, last night slammed  recent scaremongering rumours circulating around the interweb, and promised to take direct action to deal with them.

Trumping

 

Collins out of OMD (left) in the 80s, yesterday

A popular supporters online discussion forum suggested earlier in the week that the club may have changed milk suppliers despite assurances that this would never happen.  The ‘word on the street’ was that FirstMilk was set to become the club’s creamery of choice, trumping long-term supplier Virgin Milk to the lucrative 3-figure contract.

Denial

However, Collins out of OMD was quick to deny this.

“Virgin Milk have never let us down” he said last night.  “Ask any of the girls in the office: whenever a refreshing brew is required up in the boardroom there’s always a fresh bottle of Virgin Milk in the fridge.

Cottage Cheese

“Yes, there was that one time when Yogi thought the milk was off and lumpy, but it was quickly realised that he’d picked up Nicola from reception’s cottage cheese by mistake. A clear case of human error I’m sure you’ll agree.  Well, sort of bear/human hybrid, but you get the point.

 

Some milk, last night

“Anyway, I’ve grown to detest these malicious lies, so the time has come to confront them head-on. The grapevine can be a nasty, nasty thing at times, so it’s my intention to find its base and chop it down. A big axe, or maybe a saw should do the trick. Or possibly General Nixon’s cavalry sabre if he lets me borrow it.

“But make no mistake, the grapevine won’t be rumouring for much longer!”

Secret talks

But the Daily Tabloid has since learned that secret behind-the-scenes discussions HAD taken place, and a deal with FirstMilk was indeed agreed. However a subsequent enquiry by Chairman Gordon McDougall found the process to be flawed, so the deal was withdrawn.

Hibernation

 

Chairman Gordon McDougall, last week

We asked receptionist Nicola Trees for her thoughts on the matter.  “Well it was only a wee tub o’ cottage cheese, ken? An’ Yogi’s eyes don’t work all that well at his time of year.  He should be getting ready to hibernate you see” she said.

Chairman Gordon McDougall was unavailable for comment last night, as he was at Whitburn Miners Welfare telling a joke about his mother-in-law.

Or something.

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Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process

14 Sep

A dressing room plan to rebuild team unity at Valealmond Stadium looks set to fail as Livi’s chief executive poo-poos the proposed Celebrity  Arm Wrestling contest. 

Jeremy Beadle’s hand, yesterday

With tensions still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with some of his associates from his local pub.

Celebrity Arm wrestling was Fox’s obvious choice, as it combines competition with an element of fun.

Beadle’s not about

However the Lions’ top brass, deceased Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, pulled the plug as soon as he discovered he had been drawn against  former “Game for a Laugh” prankster, Jeremy Beadle in the first round.

Huge hand

Beadle, who died of laughing in 2008, is famed for having one massively oversized hand, and it was this obvious advantage which made Nixon’s competitive nature see red.

 

General G.E.D.Nixon, in 1862

“Sir” he said yesterday, “I am not averse to my men enjoying themselves on campaign.  It’s good for morale and good for keeping the unit together when under heavy Yankee artillery fire.

Unnatural

“But I will not arm wrestle  with a man whose hand is like a seal’s flipper, no matter what the cause.  It ain’t natural. That thing is the size of an elephant’s ear, and look what happened to Stonewall Jackson’s arm.”

Alternative plans have since had to be drawn up, with Defender Paul Watson suggesting a form of ‘Dancing on Ice’ but with Subbuteo; and goalkeeper Andy McNeil offering to host a mass custard pie throwing gala in an unspecified venue in Edinburgh.

 

Jesus and a dinosaur, last night

Drill

 

But all these look set to fail as General Nixon seems set veto anything other than bayonet drill and cavalry manoeuvres.

Conquistadores

We asked Jesus for his thoughts on the matter“Blessed are the Pacemakers, for they shall ferry across the Mersey” he said in a Spanish accent.

Yogi in picnic basket theft horror

21 Aug

Livi gaffer, Yogi Bear, was last night reeling after his private collection of picnic baskets was stolen in a midnight raid at his home in Jellystone Park.

Yogi in happier times, yesterday.

Speaking to a packed press conference this morning, Bear’s normally amiable personality was completely absent as he raged at the loss of the collection he had spent several years amassing.

Canny believe it

“I canny believe it” he said.  “Me and Boo Boo (Bear’s assistant, John Collins out of OMD) spent pure yonks sniffin’ oot quality pick-a-nick baskets from all the tourists that come to the park.

“We aye skipped the ones from Aldi and Lidl as they were all German crap, and concentrated on the top notch ones from Harrods, Jenners and the Co-op that used to be in the Craigshill Mall.  There were 27 of them at the last count, all empty mind.

“I’m reduced to carrier bags now” he sobbed.

Collins out of OMD

Collins out of OMD, last night

Police were initially keen to talk to Collins out of OMD, star of hits such as ‘Enola Gay’ and ‘Joan of Arc’ as he has not been seen in the area for some time, but this was ruled out when it was discovered his band have been on an extensive tour of Micronesia since July.

Battle of Spotsilvania

We spoke to Livingston FC’s Chief Executive, Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, for his thoughts on the theft and the potential impact of Bear’s clear emotional distress on his team selection for next week’s game with Raith Rovers.  “Sir, I do believe I have advised you several times before, this has nothing to do with me” he said.

James, this morning

Airdrie connection

The Daily Tabloid has since learned that Borders and Lothian Police are following a positive line of enquiry involving several thieving Airdrie tinks and a North African Fire Salamander called James.

Investigations are ongoing.

NASA in Martian mystery

18 Aug

Top space boffins at NASA got more than they bargained for when multi-million dollar Mars “Curiosity rover” photographed a rather surprising object lying on the surface of the Red Planet – an SPL-branded football!

The ball on Mars, this morning.

The car-sized exploratory vehicle blasted off from Cape Crusader last November before making a perfect landing on our neighbouring world earlier this month.  Its mission is to explore Gale Crater on the Martian surface before climbing a huge extinct volcano, known as Mount Sharp, to sample and photographs rocks and stuff.

Houston we have a problem

However space chiefs at the project’s HQ in Houston Industrial Estate were stunned to find the size 5 Mitre ball lying on the surface when the rover’s first set of high resolution images were successfully beamed back to Earth in the early hours of this morning.

Naturally the turned to the Fans’ Champion Daily Tabloid for help: and it’s a good job they did.

With the assistance of astronomers and Russell Grant with his pink divining rods, we have been able to clear up the mystery.

Useless git

Back in 2004 during a midweek game against Hibernian at Valealmond Stadium, failed Hungarian giant, Attila Kriston, attempted a long ball from defence intended for Richard Brittain as the game entered its latter stages.  However, given Kriston’s sheer size and lack of ability, his lofted pass cleared the stadium’s North Stand and was never seen again.

Attila Kriston, somewhere yesterday

So miss-hit was the lofty Magyar’s gargantuan toe-poke, that in addition to clearing the stadium, the ball also broke free from Earth’s gravitational field and headed off into outer space.  After several years travelling through the vacuum of the Solar System, it was pulled in by Mars’ gravitational field and sent plummeting through its atmosphere to land in the Gale Crater.

There is now some speculation that Kriston’s wayward pass actually caused the Gale Crater to be formed, but hopefully “Curiosity” can clarify this in due course.

Caravan

Asked for his thoughts on the matter, Kriston’s former manager at Livingston – Vincent Van “Fug” Gough – said “I used to play for Scotland and Rangers. The proper Rangers I mean, not this new Mickey Mouse lot.”

“Want to buy a caravan?” he added.

More on this story as it develops.

Hutch top Livi fan? Not so say Professionals!

7 Jan

Doyle, Bunnet and Bones, yesterday

The stars of ITV’s late 70’s early 80’s Sunday night drama ‘The Professionals’ have hit back at claims that top TV and pop star David Soul is Livi’s most famous fan!

Show us your medals!  

Charles Bunnet, Raymond Doyle and William Andrew Philip Bones have come out publicly and stated that they’ve had season tickets for years and not only that but Bones actually drove the team bus through to Hampden when Livi gubbed the Hibs to win the CIS C0-operative Insurance Cup back in 1994 whereas David Soul is a part timer who wouldn’t know his Gary Bollan from his Phillipe Brinquin.

Bunnet, who’s now in charge of making sure the lights are turned out at the end of the day at the British Motor Corporation Stadium, also starred in top Hollywood blockbuster ‘The Great Escape’ where he stupidly gave the game away as the Nazi’s closed in on escaped prisoners of war as they got on a bus, said “Who does David Soul think he is with his LA teeth and flash red Ford Torino and his cool Zebra 3 call sign and  Captain Dobey shouting at him all the time and that, eh?”

Short fuse

Bones was more forthcoming! “Why I’ll take the boy Soul, and his buddy Starsky, outside and gie the pair o’ thum a right guid hidin’!

Starsky lookalike Doyle tried to calm things a little when he added “I’ve always wondered just how Starsky got his perm to sit just right. Ooh he looked a dream in that cardigan of his as he climbed out that swimming pool at the start of their show, don’t you think?”

Like an early Snoop Dog

Huggy Bear, yesterday

The Tabloid called the owner of down market  LA backstreet bar the ‘Pitts’, a Mr Huggy Bear asking if he’d like to comment on the nail biting tension between ‘The Professionals’ and ‘Starsky and Hutch’ as the row over who is Livi’s most famous fan escalates.

Mr Bear would only speak to us off the record to say ” I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.”

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Bond’s barmy bacon bonanza!

6 Jan

Livi’s head chef, Simon Prowse, was left happy as a pig in shale last night, thanks to an administrative slip-up by 007 star Daniel Craig.

James Bond star Daniel Craig, yesterday

For unbeknown to the entrepeneur culinary Sith Lord, the absent-minded movie icon sent 47 tons of top quality bacon to the British Motor Corporation Stadium instead of its proper destination, the Blantyre Motor Corporation Stadium.

Faux pas

Craig (51) was this morning “shaken but not stirred” by his clerical faux pas, and put it all down to his poor ability to differentiate between history and geography under pressure.

Shagging

Simon Prowse, last night

“I’ve been sending bacon to the Livingstone Centre in Blantyre for years from my farm in Musselburgh” he told us yesterday.  “But on Wednesday I’d been pumping these three absolutely top-drawer Russian lady spies for information, and in my excitement wrote ‘Livingstone’ instead of ‘Blantyre’ on the weekly delivery slip.  The driver understandably jumped to the wrong conclusion, and that was that.”

“In all my years of growing bacon plants, this is the first time that’s happened.  So I guess Prowse can consider it a gift – ‘From Musselburgh With Love’, if you like!”

Ecstatic

Meanwhile Prowse (56) was ecstatic at his unexpected suilline windfall.

Some bacon, this morning

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Hutch isn’t for giving up!

5 Jan

Top Pop and TV star David Soul, yesterday

Livingston’s most famous supporter, David Soul, of such TV hits as Starsky and Hutch, Salems Lot and ‘V’, has spoken out in support of Gary Bollan!

Nice jacket 

Thirty six year old Soul, who also topped the Pop Parade in the mid to late 70’s with such hits as ‘Don’t give up on us‘ (listen) and ‘Silver Dream Machine ‘ (listen), hit back at claims that Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated.

Not Starsky, the other one

 Soul said “The claims that  Gary Bollan doesn’t know what he is doing, got it wrong with the short term signings of Moreece Ross and Mark Fozzeringham, and that his refusal to utilise the wings more or drop Liam Fox will ultimately lead to Livingston getting relegated, are wrong.

He added “Don’t give up on us, baby, We’re still worth one more try, I know we put a last one by, Just for a rainy evening, When maybe stars are few, Don’t give up on us, I know, We can still come through

Don’t give up on us, baby
Don’t give up on us, baby”

Starsky and Hutch's Red Ford Torino, yesterday

Red Ford Torino

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