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Armageddon comes to Valealmond?

2 Sep

A bitter theological war of words this evening threatened to sour Livingston’s stunning 2-1 win away to Falkirk.

St Bobby and Jesus falling out, yesterday.

For insiders have revealed to your fan’s champion Sunday Tabloid that all is not well in the dressing room since the arrival of new signing Jesus to the club.

Fuming

Recently canonised midfielder, St Bobby Barr, is said to be fuming that the alleged son of God has outshone him in the halo stakes ever since his arrival at the club following his release by Bethlehem FC in Palestine.

Seethed

Sources have told how St Bobby has silently seethed as the defensive Lamb of God:

  • Raised former manager John Robertson from the dead
  • Turned the showers into fountains of wine
  • Passed Airdrie’s Cammy (MacDonald) through the eye of a needle
  • Gave out free Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers to players and staff
  • Cheated at a training session game of hide & seek by peering through the holes in his hands

Pure ragin’

We tried to speak to an enraged St Bobby this evening, but he was too enraged to comment, except for raging “Ah’m enraged at Jesus! Just cos his da’s the boss dizny mean he can dae whitever he wants! Ah’m pure ragin’!”

A Caramel Wafer, last week

We understand however that manager Yogi Bear has attempted to dampen the flames by offering all the squad a free picnic basket each.  But this is unlikely to succeed as it is understood two different camps have already formed in the dressing room: known informally as the Barrites and the Jesuites.

Angels fighting

We spoke to renowned cleric, Father Anthony Kiddifiddler, for his view on how things are likely to pan out.  “It’s very similar to that bit in the bible about the angels fighting each other, and one falling to earth where he made Glasgow” he said.

Father Kiddiefiddler, outside court yesterday

“There’s likely to be quite a rumpus, but St Bobby really is up against it as he’s merely Nouveau Divinity, whilst Jesus clearly comes from more established stock.

End of days

“In any event I predict the end of days, the rising of The Beast and a half price sale at Aldis.”

** Have any of you seen signs of the coming Armageddon?  Fire & brimstone falling from the sky: the dead rising: music from the Old Spice adverts playing?  Drop us a line and let us know.

Generous move from Livi’s new Pal-adin!

26 Aug

Livi fans were given a massive boost yesterday by the generosity of a much-loved TV personality of the 70s and 80s.

Glen Michael and Paladin in the 70s, yesterday

Much has been discussed amongst the Lions faithful as to how the club could improve attendances and increase Season Ticket sales in an effort to attract the support of so many disinterested locals.  Fans have often been at each other’s throats, as suggestions and counter suggestion became heated, but it looks like these dark days could be numbered.

Paladin

Glen Michael, star of STV’s mega-popular kids show “Cartoon Cavalcade”, had watched the plight from afar and was finally convinced by his faithful sidekick – a rusty paraffin lamp called Paladin – to do something about it.

“With all the millions I made from TV, I was never happy” he told us yesterday.  “I was loved by children, adored by the public, but my only real friends were Paladin and Rusty, my long-dead dog.

Crap cartoons

 

A think tank, last night.

“So one day I was watching another of those crap ‘Arabian Nights‘ cartoons we had on the show, when Paladin told me the arguing at Valealmond had to stop. And he was right.

“One quick call to my financial adviser later, and I had bought Livingston FC a nearly-new think tank off Ebay!”

And indeed, the move has already been well received by the fans.

Popular

“This is a very generous move by Mr Michael” said Trust representative Dara Stoker (14).  “I can see our new think tank being a very popular addition to the stadium, and look forward to seeing all the new baby thinks swimming around inside it very soon.”

Thingummyjig

Thingummyjig in the 80s, yesterday

And there may be more good news for Livingston on the horizon, as the Sunday Tabloid has learned former “Thingummyjig” host, Jack The Laird o’ Cowcaddens McLaughlin, has all but secured a brand new School of Thought, which sources close to the star say he intends to donate to the club’s Youth Programme.

More on this story when we get it.

LTID in “Separation” shocker!

8 Jan

As the Livi Till I Die (LTID) supporters trust ‘fan on the board’ election campaign kicks into overdrive, sensational plans to divorce the club from itself have been mooted by one of the two candidates.

Dara Stoker, last night

Incumbant fan-on-the-board, Dara Stoker, launched his re-election drive by promising the fans a return to the Meadowbank Thistle glory days.  This ambitious scheme would see half the club wrenched from the British Motor Corporation Stadium and relocated back east to take up residence once more at Edinburgh’s former Commonwealth Stadium.

Divorce

An enthusiastic Stoker (40) was only too keen to discuss his plans last night.  “It’s simple, ken” he said,  “there’s two of us up for it, so with my plan we can both get on the board.  Meadowbank will be gain its independence from Livi: two clubs, two boards.  Barrie!”

“Besides, I’ve got all this Meadowbank stuff cluttering-up the house, and the wife is at me to use it or lose it.”

Paul Don campaigning, yesterday

Separatist Vermin

However Stoker’s rival for the vacant boardroom seat, Paul Don, was scathing of the plan he regards as separation rather than independence.

“I have no time for these separatists” he stormed.  “We’re stronger as a united club.  Team GB, that’s Gary Bollan incidentally, all the way!”

Devolution

“If I win the election though, I am prepared to extend an olive branch to the separatists and offer a concession of some devolved powers” he continued.  “Kit washing, upkeep of the players’ boots and filling in the teamsheets can all be devolved to Meadowbank, but the rest – such as cutting the grass and team selection – will remain reserved issues for Livingston.”

Doom

But as the gloves come off in the LTID power struggle, constitutional experts were quick to highlight potential flaws in both plans.

Hell, last night

Gloom

Ross McWhirter QC of the West Highland Free Press last night sounded a note of caution to both camps.  “If either club, when they separate as they surely will, decides to play on a Sunday then the fires of Hell will rain down upon them as the seven gates of Hades open to set forth the Beast to devour them.  Or something.”

The campaigning continues.

Happy New Year to all our loyal readers!

1 Jan

With sore heads and heavy limbs, originality was not on the Tabloid‘s agenda today, so once more we’ve dredged the darkest corners of our archives just to give you something to read.  And this particular offering was previously dished out on Saturday 12 February 2005…

David Livingstone in 1870, yesterday

As the Livi players prepare for battle on the field against Dundee Utd at Almondvale today, upstairs the LionHeart board is preparing for a fight of its own – in court.


The fans’ champion Daily Tabloid can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Pierce Brosnan, Tony Kinder-Egg and Vivien Kylesofbute have all been mentioned on a writ served upon Livingston FC by a Mrs Doris Teacup of Dudley, West Midlands. In her writ, Mrs Teacup claims to be acting on behalf of the late African explorer and emancipator of slaves, Dr David Livingstone, and is suing the club for breach of copyright.

We tracked Mrs Teacup down to her modest bungalow in Dudley where we were warmly greeted by the petite, round, rosy-faced old lady. “Daily Tabloid I presume?” she told us surprisingly. “The spirits told me you were coming” she continued with a jolly giggle.

 
As we were to discover, Mrs Teacup is a psychic medium, and last month she claims to have been contacted by Dr Livingstone who has been furious since the early 1960’s when Livingston New Town was first begun. “Oh no dear” she told our reporters, “Dr Livingstone is very, very unhappy about that. He hates his name being confused with the town, especially the missing E off the end.”  She continued, “He tried to find a medium to sue the old LDC but nobody would help, so he asked me to serve the writ on Livingston FC instead, and I was happy to oblige. He’s such a lovely gentleman you see dear.”

Mrs Teacup communing with the spirits, yesterday

“Apart from the blackies though, old Enoch Powell was right there” she added without blinking. Oddly enough, there were no pictures of Dr Livingstone in her living room, although a large portrait of Adolf Hitler hung above her fireplace. “He’s a very nice man too dear, my lovely Führer” she told us as we left.

 
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Merry Christmas from the Tabloid vaults

25 Dec

So our editorial team can get pissed today, we’ve taken the easy option and decided to repeat a story at random from the original Sunday Tabloid’s back catalogue.  This was originally published on Sunday, 26th February 2006 – enjoy…

The Cheeky Girls, in 2006

Livi’s downturn in form has sucked the life out most of the fans, but now it seems the players were getting it in the neck too…

Sensational news had reached Tabloid Towers which sheds shocking new light on the decline in Livi’s fortunes this season.

New manager John Robertson ordered a ‘shake-down’ of the club’s structure from top to bottom in an effort to diagnose the problem, and it was following this that two previously unknown members of staff were discovered. It seems Dominic Keane’s legacy has not completely deserted Almondvale as the two mystery employees are none other than tuneless Transylvanian twins, the Cheeky Girls.

Players had complained of low energy levels, following the discovery of recurring puncture marks on their necks. Some even complained of problems seeing themselves in the mirror, crossing running water or cooking garlic. Reports that keeper Ludovic Roy was unable to hold crosses were not connected with this incident.

Partially-burnt papers discovered in a fireplace revealed Keane had hired the skeletal duo as fitness coaches; however neither had been seen at any daylight training sessions, preferring instead to work at night.

Former boss John Robertson, yesterday

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Icy reception to Livi Olympics

18 Dec

Eddie the Eagle, yesterday

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) was last night said to be “outraged” at Livingston FC for holding the Winter Olympics at the British Motor Corporation Stadium yesterday.

Following the postponement of Livi’s scheduled home game with Ehhr United, the club found itself not only at a loose end, but also with 1000 rock solid burnt fillingless pies and lukewarm Bovril standing going to waste.

Violence

The Sunday Tabloid also understands that a fight broke out amongst some of the psyched-up Livi players as boredom turned to violence.

Gazumping

However manager Gary “James” Bolam came to the rescue when he decided to take control of the situation.  Using his extensive network of sporting contacts, Bolam was able to hastily arrange the arrival of an array of glittering winter Olympians as the BMC Stadium was transformed into an international arena, thus gazumping the Russian town of Sochi – the IOC’s  intended hosts of the 2014 games.

Jacobs Brothers

In a glittering opening ceremony, chairman Gordon MacDougall cracked a series of funnies about his wife’s inability to reverse park her car; the Jacobs Brothers sung a medley of their greatest hits of the 70s; and serial prankster Paul Watson acted as the Olympic flame when he climbed up to the tvLIVI gantry and lit a match.

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McNeil in clown merkin shame

11 Dec

The Sunday Tabloid last night learned that Livi’s last line of defence has been leading a dark and shameful double life.

McNeil is rumbled, yesterday

On the surface, Lions No 1 – Andy McNeil – seemed to all the world to have everything: Ferraris, yachts, an island in the Caribbean, a massive female entourage – the list goes on.  But a quick scratch beneath his manly, chiselled surface has revealed a far more sinister aspect to the shot-stopper’s character.

For it seems McNeil has been leading a double life: goalkeeper by day and clown merkin magnate by night.

Mr Wooly

Going under the pseudonym of ‘Mr Wooly’, McNeil has been manufacturing and selling an assortment of coloured merkins to Edinburgh’s secretive clown community from seedy backstreet premises in the Capital’s Annandale Street.

The Sunday Tabloid was initially tipped off by a former member of the underworld sect, desperate to escape his sordid life of juggling, balloon animals and throwing buckets of confetti at children.  Greasepaint-free for the first time in 10 years, “Mr Chuckles” as we’ll call him took our reporter on a guided tour of McNeil’s secret lair.

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