Tag Archives: cake

It’s a miracle!

10 Dec

The slice of cooked bread, yesterday

Wonderful news emerged from the British Motor Corporation Stadium (BMC) last night that Livi’s St. Bobby Barr has at last been officially recognised by the Scottish Federation of Master Bread Kneaders.

It’s official 

The news officially broke late yesterday morning that  Head bread kneader, P Dough-boy, is to officially diagnosticate St Bobby in an official awards ceremony that’s to be held by officials of the Federation for officials of the Federation in the offices of the officials of the Federation shortly before the One O’clock Gun strikes one at one on Monday.

Pillsbury Dough-boy, yesterday


When pressed by the Tabloid for a comment Mr Dough-boy revealed that a package containing a letter and a piece of cooked bread had been delivered to the offices of the officials of the Federation by a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary claiming to have proof, at last, of St Bobby’s supreme deity.

Miss Contrary wrote “I put the bread into the toaster and when it popped up I was astonished to see, quite clearly, the face of Livi’s wing wizard St Bobby Barr burnt into the side I was about to butter.

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Livi ditch Umbro in shock move!

8 Dec
Iaiain Russell modelling Livi’s new strip, yesterday

Sensational news has emerged from the BMC that Livingston FC have ditched Umbro to sign a 110 year contract with Chairman Mao’s Chinese government to kit out the team in official ‘Panda wear’ apparel.

Dirty dozen 

In a move that’s sure to create a backlash from the twelve or so fans who actually buy the strips, the club have, as part of the deal that brought Chinese Panda duo Watcha Wa and Sum Younguy to Scotland, also agreed to rip up the Youth Academy fieldturf in order to plant seventeen acres of rice and bamboo.

Steven Cow, who operates a market stall under the guise of ‘Football Country’ down Leith where he shifts pre-worn football boots and Simply Red CD’s and doubles as Wa’s and Younguy’s agent, explained the terms of the deal to the Tabloid. “It’s quite simple really. I was approached as I left the Maybury Casino the other night by two sinister looking cute hairy black and white characters in masks.

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It’s the Hair Bear Bunch!

7 Dec
Watcha Wa and Sum Younguy, yesterday

Livingston rocked the world of Scottish football last night by snapping up the paw prints of highly rated Chinese international Panda bears, Watcha Wa and Sum Younguy.

The West Lothian club signed the cute pair despite stiff competition from both big Glasgow sides, Pollock and Clydebank.

Football Country 

The bears’ agent, second hand sportswear retailer Steven Cow, told the Tabloid that “it’s a massive coup for a club like Livingston to sign this endangered pair. I’ve known General G.E.D. Nixon for several years and when he heard that the bears were interested in coming to Scotland to further their careers he was right on the phone.

“It was touch and go in the end as to where they would end up with  several other clubs also in the mix for their prints. However G.E.D.’s enthusiasm along with Gordon MacDougall’s plans to attempt to have them breed the next generation of youth players at the BMC swung it Livi’s way.”

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‘Livi let me down!’

5 Dec

Iaian Russell and Paul Watson, yesterday

News has reached us here at Tabloid HQ of a quite shocking litany of poor behaviour at Livi’s first team fancy dress Christmas night out in Cleethorpes on Saturday evening.

According to Stella Miggins (89), a B+B landlady in the west coast sea-side town for over a hundred years the players conduct fell way short of what was expected of them.

All her own teeth 

Stella was surprisingly forthcoming in her anger towards Livi’s stars such as Iaiain Russell, Paul Watson and St. Bobby Barr.

“I’m ninety five you know, and I’ve not been cleaning up after top football icons of their time for nigh on a hundred years to not know when I’ve been short changed.

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