Tag Archives: General G.E.D. Nixon

Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process

14 Sep

A dressing room plan to rebuild team unity at Valealmond Stadium looks set to fail as Livi’s chief executive poo-poos the proposed Celebrity  Arm Wrestling contest. 

Jeremy Beadle’s hand, yesterday

With tensions still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with some of his associates from his local pub.

Celebrity Arm wrestling was Fox’s obvious choice, as it combines competition with an element of fun.

Beadle’s not about

However the Lions’ top brass, deceased Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, pulled the plug as soon as he discovered he had been drawn against  former “Game for a Laugh” prankster, Jeremy Beadle in the first round.

Huge hand

Beadle, who died of laughing in 2008, is famed for having one massively oversized hand, and it was this obvious advantage which made Nixon’s competitive nature see red.


General G.E.D.Nixon, in 1862

“Sir” he said yesterday, “I am not averse to my men enjoying themselves on campaign.  It’s good for morale and good for keeping the unit together when under heavy Yankee artillery fire.


“But I will not arm wrestle  with a man whose hand is like a seal’s flipper, no matter what the cause.  It ain’t natural. That thing is the size of an elephant’s ear, and look what happened to Stonewall Jackson’s arm.”

Alternative plans have since had to be drawn up, with Defender Paul Watson suggesting a form of ‘Dancing on Ice’ but with Subbuteo; and goalkeeper Andy McNeil offering to host a mass custard pie throwing gala in an unspecified venue in Edinburgh.


Jesus and a dinosaur, last night



But all these look set to fail as General Nixon seems set veto anything other than bayonet drill and cavalry manoeuvres.


We asked Jesus for his thoughts on the matter“Blessed are the Pacemakers, for they shall ferry across the Mersey” he said in a Spanish accent.


Nixon in recruitment denial

28 Nov
General Nixon, in 1863

With Santa making final preparations ahead of his whirlwind global tour on Christmas Eve, it seems Livingston FC are similarly readying themselves for the festive rush.

But whilst you may expect to have found replica shirts, leisure wear and other items of club branded merchandise stocking the shelves, the truth is somewhat different.

For it appears the ‘must have’ gift this Christmas is a full Confederate Army combat uniform.

Cuddly toys

An Almondvale insider has told the Tabloid that this is the brainchild of Chief Executive General G.E.D. Nixon.  But it does not seem to be universally popular with the players and staff, many of whom were hoping to buy family and friends cuddly amber teddies and suchlike.

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Livi forum descends into farce

24 Nov

James Bolam, General Nixon, Dara Stoker, yesterday

Your number one Daily Tabloid can exclusively reveal that the Livi Supporters Trust, ‘LIVItillIdie’ (LTID), held a fans forum on Monday evening at the British Motor Corporation Stadium (BMC).

The event was chaired by LTID head honcho, Dara Stoker, who was accompanied at the top table by ex Likely Lad, James ‘Terry’ Bolam and Livi FC Chief Executive and Confederate Army General, G.E.D. Nixon.

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