Tag Archives: Hollywood

Chuck Norris sorts out Livi bonus row!

24 Dec

Chuck Norris, yesterday

Livi Chairman Gordon MacDougall was forced to bring in top Hollywood actor Chuck Norris to mediate as a row over the players Christmas bonus threatened to erupt into fisticuffs yesterday.

 Chuck Norris makes Onions cry

Weeks of careful yuletide perk negotiations were thrown off balance when graffiti was found in trap 2 of the upstairs gents toilets at the BMC suggesting that McDougal was so tight that when he held a coin in the palm of his hand the Queen struggled for breath.

Chuck Norris can smoke underwater

MacDougal immediately called on the services of legendary Beverley Hills hard man, Norris (72), in an attempt to root out the vandal in order that the knife edge discussions could recommence.

By all accounts Norris ordered the players to return early from training and lined them up, in a line, in the stadium car park.

Chuck Norris can kick you with a punch

The hard as nails actor then proceeded to do 50 push-ups. Not as you’d expect however. No, he didn’t push himself up; he pushed the ground down.

Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club

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Livi joy as Seagal extends deal!

19 Dec

Steven Seagal, yesterday

Christmas came early for Livingston when top Hollywood actor Steven Seagal signed a two year contract extension meaning he’ll be riding fast cars, exploding things and generally Kung-Fooing bad guys whilst wearing a Livi strip until the summer of 2014.

Two for a pound

Seagal’s agent, Steven Cow, took time out from trying to shift white cotton sports socks at Bathgate market to tell the Tabloid “Steven Seagal is delighted to sign this contract extension with Livi as the demand for his back catalogue of direct-to-video DVD’s has slumped leaving him with few available options. He’s promised to show the Livi fans that he’s not washed up as an actor and still has his best years ahead of him”

So he’s quite handy then?

Seagal’s career  has been on the rocks ever since UnderSiege2 – Dark territory (1995), where he resurrected the role of Casey Ryback – a Chief Petty Officer and former Navy SEAL operator turned chef with top training in martial arts, explosives, special-weapons and tactics who is a master of unarmed combat, highly skilled with firearms, knives and other forms of combat which enables him to defeat mercenaries/terrorists with ease, performed poorly at the box office.

Lyle and Scott 

Gordon MacDougall, yesterday

Livi Chairman, Gordon McDougal, enthused about Seagal saying that “The crime rate round my way is so bad that there’s a six months waiting list just to get mugged so I’m delighted that we’ll have him round the place to warn off crooks and criminals!

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