Tag Archives: Pearse Brosnan

Happy New Year to all our loyal readers!

1 Jan

With sore heads and heavy limbs, originality was not on the Tabloid‘s agenda today, so once more we’ve dredged the darkest corners of our archives just to give you something to read.  And this particular offering was previously dished out on Saturday 12 February 2005…

David Livingstone in 1870, yesterday

As the Livi players prepare for battle on the field against Dundee Utd at Almondvale today, upstairs the LionHeart board is preparing for a fight of its own – in court.

The fans’ champion Daily Tabloid can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Pierce Brosnan, Tony Kinder-Egg and Vivien Kylesofbute have all been mentioned on a writ served upon Livingston FC by a Mrs Doris Teacup of Dudley, West Midlands. In her writ, Mrs Teacup claims to be acting on behalf of the late African explorer and emancipator of slaves, Dr David Livingstone, and is suing the club for breach of copyright.

We tracked Mrs Teacup down to her modest bungalow in Dudley where we were warmly greeted by the petite, round, rosy-faced old lady. “Daily Tabloid I presume?” she told us surprisingly. “The spirits told me you were coming” she continued with a jolly giggle.

As we were to discover, Mrs Teacup is a psychic medium, and last month she claims to have been contacted by Dr Livingstone who has been furious since the early 1960’s when Livingston New Town was first begun. “Oh no dear” she told our reporters, “Dr Livingstone is very, very unhappy about that. He hates his name being confused with the town, especially the missing E off the end.”  She continued, “He tried to find a medium to sue the old LDC but nobody would help, so he asked me to serve the writ on Livingston FC instead, and I was happy to oblige. He’s such a lovely gentleman you see dear.”

Mrs Teacup communing with the spirits, yesterday

“Apart from the blackies though, old Enoch Powell was right there” she added without blinking. Oddly enough, there were no pictures of Dr Livingstone in her living room, although a large portrait of Adolf Hitler hung above her fireplace. “He’s a very nice man too dear, my lovely Führer” she told us as we left.

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Merry Christmas from the Tabloid vaults

25 Dec

So our editorial team can get pissed today, we’ve taken the easy option and decided to repeat a story at random from the original Sunday Tabloid’s back catalogue.  This was originally published on Sunday, 26th February 2006 – enjoy…

The Cheeky Girls, in 2006

Livi’s downturn in form has sucked the life out most of the fans, but now it seems the players were getting it in the neck too…

Sensational news had reached Tabloid Towers which sheds shocking new light on the decline in Livi’s fortunes this season.

New manager John Robertson ordered a ‘shake-down’ of the club’s structure from top to bottom in an effort to diagnose the problem, and it was following this that two previously unknown members of staff were discovered. It seems Dominic Keane’s legacy has not completely deserted Almondvale as the two mystery employees are none other than tuneless Transylvanian twins, the Cheeky Girls.

Players had complained of low energy levels, following the discovery of recurring puncture marks on their necks. Some even complained of problems seeing themselves in the mirror, crossing running water or cooking garlic. Reports that keeper Ludovic Roy was unable to hold crosses were not connected with this incident.

Partially-burnt papers discovered in a fireplace revealed Keane had hired the skeletal duo as fitness coaches; however neither had been seen at any daylight training sessions, preferring instead to work at night.

Former boss John Robertson, yesterday

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