Tag Archives: pirates

St Bobby targeted in Gaga kidnap plot

4 Jan

The Tabloid returned from its festive break this morning to to the news of an alleged failed attempt to kidnap St Bobby Barr by madcap American songstress, Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga in concert, last night

Gaga – aka James MacPherson, a truck driver and married father of six from Dayton, Ohio – had apparently been stalking St Bobby for quite some time.


As his stage persona continued its unstoppable ascent into global stardom, Gaga’s increasing paranoia had viewed St Bobby as a threat, more so after his sensational appearance on a slice of toast belonging to a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary last month (see Tabloid 10 December).


A spokesman for Borders & Lothian Police today refused to discuss details but confirmed that a report had been submitted, but no charges have been filed as yet.

Little Monsters

Famous for her hits such as Poker Face, Born This Way and My Old Man’s A Dustman, Gaga’s army of global are likely to be horrified at their idol’s latest zany stunt.   Dressing up as a robot, butcher’s shop and telephone kiosk have been hailed as avant-garde by her army of “little monsters” as she calls them, however kidnapping a saint is likely to tip the scales of public opinion against the transatlantic warbler.


As ever though, St Bobby was playing the whole thing down when we contacted him at his home yesterday.  “My missus is into Gaga, but ah’m mairy a Metallica guy, know?” he said in a saintly sort of way.

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No more Almondvale ant-ics

17 Dec

Pirate ants, yesterday

A top TV scientist revealed last night that he’s finally solved a riddle that’s been baffling everyone down at the British Motor Corporation Stadium for several weeks now.

Players and staff had noticed bootlaces, nipple tassels, nets and various other items of stringwear simply disappearing from empty rooms throughout the month.  Some had believed it to be the work of mischievous poltergeists, but thanks to the detective work of TV’s Richard Attenborough, the culprits have finally been identified.


Famous for hit nature documentaries such as The Blue Planet, Life on Earth and The Scheme, Attenborough (103) was called in by desperate club Chairman Gordon McDougall in a last ditch attempt to save the club’s stock of bootlaces.  The veteran naturalist set to work immediately, erecting a battery of cameras and motion-sensitive sensors, and this finally paid off yesterday when a triumphant Attenborough (112) was able to identify the thieves as – a colony of nautical pirate ants.


Their origin is still shrouded in mystery, but it’s believed they followed St Bobby Barr into training shortly after his canonisation from a ship in Glasgow’s docklands area.  Their natural environment is on the Amazon, where they use vines and leaves to make rudimentary rafts before launching pirate raids against other nautical ant colonies and floating termites.

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