Tag Archives: spirits

Happy New Year to all our loyal readers!

1 Jan

With sore heads and heavy limbs, originality was not on the Tabloid‘s agenda today, so once more we’ve dredged the darkest corners of our archives just to give you something to read.  And this particular offering was previously dished out on Saturday 12 February 2005…

David Livingstone in 1870, yesterday

As the Livi players prepare for battle on the field against Dundee Utd at Almondvale today, upstairs the LionHeart board is preparing for a fight of its own – in court.

The fans’ champion Daily Tabloid can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Pierce Brosnan, Tony Kinder-Egg and Vivien Kylesofbute have all been mentioned on a writ served upon Livingston FC by a Mrs Doris Teacup of Dudley, West Midlands. In her writ, Mrs Teacup claims to be acting on behalf of the late African explorer and emancipator of slaves, Dr David Livingstone, and is suing the club for breach of copyright.

We tracked Mrs Teacup down to her modest bungalow in Dudley where we were warmly greeted by the petite, round, rosy-faced old lady. “Daily Tabloid I presume?” she told us surprisingly. “The spirits told me you were coming” she continued with a jolly giggle.

As we were to discover, Mrs Teacup is a psychic medium, and last month she claims to have been contacted by Dr Livingstone who has been furious since the early 1960’s when Livingston New Town was first begun. “Oh no dear” she told our reporters, “Dr Livingstone is very, very unhappy about that. He hates his name being confused with the town, especially the missing E off the end.”  She continued, “He tried to find a medium to sue the old LDC but nobody would help, so he asked me to serve the writ on Livingston FC instead, and I was happy to oblige. He’s such a lovely gentleman you see dear.”

Mrs Teacup communing with the spirits, yesterday

“Apart from the blackies though, old Enoch Powell was right there” she added without blinking. Oddly enough, there were no pictures of Dr Livingstone in her living room, although a large portrait of Adolf Hitler hung above her fireplace. “He’s a very nice man too dear, my lovely Führer” she told us as we left.

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Make mines a beer!

28 Dec

The Tabloid continues its lazy look back through the dusty Tabloid archives this week with ‘Make mines a beer!’ – first published on Wednesday, 15th December 2004

Harry Half Pint, yesterday

In another Tabloid exclusive, we can exclusively reveal that Livingston FC’s newest addition to the payroll is a former bus driver and High Court Judge. Harry ‘Half Pint’ has been appointed as head of the ‘Beveridge Department’ in an attempt to boost bevvy sales to younger fans at Almondvale. 

In a shock move yesterday, Pearse Brosnan (72), head of the ‘Livvy Consortina’ has appointed disgraced former LRT bus driver and High Court Judge Harry ‘Half Pint’ (14) to drum up the sales of alcohol to younger fans on matchdays at Almondvale Stadium.

When asked to comment Pearse was overheard to say “Move your foot kiddo, or Ill set the dogs on you, to be sure”

‘Half Pint’ (11) was a little more forthcoming but did however avoid any reference on the incident six months ago with the barmaid that saw him lose his bus licence. “A’ve been well warned no tae shay anything aboot that, no? Mind you, they were a fair pair, eh?” he slurred.

When probed for details on the shock appointment, the clearly buckled ‘Half Pint’ advised the assembled shoppers that “A gap hash been identified in the age groupsh that partake in a shwallay before the games. The under eighteensh have got money to shpend and it’sh my job to make shure they shpend it with ush. On beer.”

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