Tag Archives: St Bobby Barr

Nixon’s Beadle snub dents peace process

14 Sep

A dressing room plan to rebuild team unity at Valealmond Stadium looks set to fail as Livi’s chief executive poo-poos the proposed Celebrity  Arm Wrestling contest. 

Jeremy Beadle’s hand, yesterday

With tensions still running high ever since new signing Jesus clashed heavenly swords with St Bobby Barr (Sunday Tabloid 2 Sep 2012), club Captain and disgraced ex-Defence Minister Liam Fox had planned to repair the rift along with some of his associates from his local pub.

Celebrity Arm wrestling was Fox’s obvious choice, as it combines competition with an element of fun.

Beadle’s not about

However the Lions’ top brass, deceased Confederate General G.E.D. Nixon, pulled the plug as soon as he discovered he had been drawn against  former “Game for a Laugh” prankster, Jeremy Beadle in the first round.

Huge hand

Beadle, who died of laughing in 2008, is famed for having one massively oversized hand, and it was this obvious advantage which made Nixon’s competitive nature see red.

 

General G.E.D.Nixon, in 1862

“Sir” he said yesterday, “I am not averse to my men enjoying themselves on campaign.  It’s good for morale and good for keeping the unit together when under heavy Yankee artillery fire.

Unnatural

“But I will not arm wrestle  with a man whose hand is like a seal’s flipper, no matter what the cause.  It ain’t natural. That thing is the size of an elephant’s ear, and look what happened to Stonewall Jackson’s arm.”

Alternative plans have since had to be drawn up, with Defender Paul Watson suggesting a form of ‘Dancing on Ice’ but with Subbuteo; and goalkeeper Andy McNeil offering to host a mass custard pie throwing gala in an unspecified venue in Edinburgh.

 

Jesus and a dinosaur, last night

Drill

 

But all these look set to fail as General Nixon seems set veto anything other than bayonet drill and cavalry manoeuvres.

Conquistadores

We asked Jesus for his thoughts on the matter“Blessed are the Pacemakers, for they shall ferry across the Mersey” he said in a Spanish accent.

St Bobby targeted in Gaga kidnap plot

4 Jan

The Tabloid returned from its festive break this morning to to the news of an alleged failed attempt to kidnap St Bobby Barr by madcap American songstress, Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga in concert, last night

Gaga – aka James MacPherson, a truck driver and married father of six from Dayton, Ohio – had apparently been stalking St Bobby for quite some time.

Paranoia

As his stage persona continued its unstoppable ascent into global stardom, Gaga’s increasing paranoia had viewed St Bobby as a threat, more so after his sensational appearance on a slice of toast belonging to a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary last month (see Tabloid 10 December).

Report

A spokesman for Borders & Lothian Police today refused to discuss details but confirmed that a report had been submitted, but no charges have been filed as yet.

Little Monsters

Famous for her hits such as Poker Face, Born This Way and My Old Man’s A Dustman, Gaga’s army of global are likely to be horrified at their idol’s latest zany stunt.   Dressing up as a robot, butcher’s shop and telephone kiosk have been hailed as avant-garde by her army of “little monsters” as she calls them, however kidnapping a saint is likely to tip the scales of public opinion against the transatlantic warbler.

Meatloaf

As ever though, St Bobby was playing the whole thing down when we contacted him at his home yesterday.  “My missus is into Gaga, but ah’m mairy a Metallica guy, know?” he said in a saintly sort of way.

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It’s a miracle!

10 Dec

The slice of cooked bread, yesterday

Wonderful news emerged from the British Motor Corporation Stadium (BMC) last night that Livi’s St. Bobby Barr has at last been officially recognised by the Scottish Federation of Master Bread Kneaders.

It’s official 

The news officially broke late yesterday morning that  Head bread kneader, P Dough-boy, is to officially diagnosticate St Bobby in an official awards ceremony that’s to be held by officials of the Federation for officials of the Federation in the offices of the officials of the Federation shortly before the One O’clock Gun strikes one at one on Monday.

Pillsbury Dough-boy, yesterday

Bow 

When pressed by the Tabloid for a comment Mr Dough-boy revealed that a package containing a letter and a piece of cooked bread had been delivered to the offices of the officials of the Federation by a Mrs Mary Quite-Contrary claiming to have proof, at last, of St Bobby’s supreme deity.

Miss Contrary wrote “I put the bread into the toaster and when it popped up I was astonished to see, quite clearly, the face of Livi’s wing wizard St Bobby Barr burnt into the side I was about to butter.

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Exclusive! The MDB exposed!

26 Nov
The MDB, yesterday

Your super soaraway Tabloid has undercovered a secretive movement of  shouty people who move amongst the ordinary Livi fans on a matchday.

They are, we can exclusively reveal, the Militant Drummer Boys (MDB)!

Pests 

Our Tabloid man on the inside managed to infiltrate their secret get together in a disused scout hall on the banks of the Brox Burn in nearby Uphall.

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Arise St Bobby Barr

23 Nov

St Bobby Barr, this morning

Livingston FC were delighted to learn this morning that midfield maestro Bobby Barr has now officially been canonised.

Top Scottish soft drinks manufacturer AG Barr, creators of the world famous Irn-Bru and sponsors of the SFL, announced this morning in a press release that in a bid to see off the Christmas threat of Coca Cola’s jolly red Santa figure, they would be using an image of Bobby Barr on all their brands from now on. And given Santa’s tenuous link to St Nicholas, Barr’s have followed suit and made the Livi midfielder into a full blown Saint.

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