Tag Archives: Tabloid

Want onions, mate?!

30 Dec

Todays look back into the Tabloid archives see us reproduce another hilarious issue; this time from Thursday, 7th April 2005. It’s all true, you know?!

Stavros in 2005, yesterday

Stavros, the guy that used to be the kid on Kebab seller on ‘Saturday Night Live’ signs on as Livi’s club ‘interpretor’. Read on for more…………….

It would appear that the rather unpredictable Pearse Brosnan, has appointed 80’s comedy icon ‘Stavros the Kebab seller’ to the position of  ‘Club interpretor’, after the short term signing of Pascal Nouma has raised the profile of Livingston FC in Turkey, a small land locked country to the far north of Asia.

Livingston fans web sites have been inundated by Turkish ‘Turks’ all clambering for any information on Pascal, who famously once gave the Royal Crown Prince of Turkmenistan a ‘Moonie’ after scoring a vital goal during a vital end of season derby game between Fennerbatchie and Rabsbarsponsor. It was this very celebration that saw him arrested and placed in jail for 2 years until Jason (and his Argonauts) managed to wangle him free amidst scenes more akin to a ‘Carry On’ movie.

In Turkey you see they are not allowed to keep women as pets, and if a woman is found in the street without the correct papers then she is immediately shown a red card and ordered back to the kitchen to make supper for her hard working husband and children. So when a woman is spotted in the streets, it causes mayhem, with the traffic stopping to gawk and everything.

On the occasion of Pascals bid for freedom, the Argonauts were pretending to have a kick about outside the prison in full view of the guards. This one Argonaut falls to the ground, like he has hurt his leg or something, and before you can say ‘shake and vac’ a lovely leggy lady who has appeared from nowhere goes down on him with her magic sponge, much to the delight of the guards who are given an eyeful of her Turkish Delight.

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Chuck Norris sorts out Livi bonus row!

24 Dec

Chuck Norris, yesterday

Livi Chairman Gordon MacDougall was forced to bring in top Hollywood actor Chuck Norris to mediate as a row over the players Christmas bonus threatened to erupt into fisticuffs yesterday.

 Chuck Norris makes Onions cry

Weeks of careful yuletide perk negotiations were thrown off balance when graffiti was found in trap 2 of the upstairs gents toilets at the BMC suggesting that McDougal was so tight that when he held a coin in the palm of his hand the Queen struggled for breath.

Chuck Norris can smoke underwater

MacDougal immediately called on the services of legendary Beverley Hills hard man, Norris (72), in an attempt to root out the vandal in order that the knife edge discussions could recommence.

By all accounts Norris ordered the players to return early from training and lined them up, in a line, in the stadium car park.

Chuck Norris can kick you with a punch

The hard as nails actor then proceeded to do 50 push-ups. Not as you’d expect however. No, he didn’t push himself up; he pushed the ground down.

Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club

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